Red Flags and Flares
by the jehsinator
Summary: The world is coming down all around, oh, here it comes.  Maybe the truth is she missed the red flags and flares.  AU future Spashley fic
1. Chapter 1

Summary: The world is coming down all around, oh, here it comes. Maybe the truth is she missed the red flags and flares. (Spashley)

I don't own a damn thing, and if I claimed I did, I might be _lynch_ed. Ha.

-----

"So Spencer," the middle-aged man spoke, "tell me why you're here."

"My best friend--my girlfriend, disappeared three years ago this month," Spencer stated. "My mother says I need to be here to get over it; over her. But I'm here to work through my grief," the blonde said with a sad smile.

"I understand, Spencer. Tell me about your friend."

"Ashley...Ashley was beautiful. She was just stunningly gorgeous. Ashley was the sweetest person I'd ever met. She'd do little things like bring me a peach Propel every time she came over because she knew it was my favorite. She made me mix cds every Saturday. She'd even pick up my dumb ass brother when he was too drunk to drive," Spencer said with a laugh. "Tom Petty was God to her. She loved Porsches...she even tried to buy one for me once. There's really so much to tell, Dr. Foster, but basically Ashley was my everything."

"She sounds wonderful, Spencer," the man said.

"She was, Dr. Foster."

"Do you mind telling me about her disappearance?"

Spencer sported a sad smile and looked to the floor as she tried to think of just what to say. "We had a fight. A big one. When I couldn't track her down for two days, I reported her missing. Her sister, Kyla, was in Baltimore visiting her mother and Ashley's mom...well, Christine wasn't really around. But the day after I reported it, her car was found at Marina Del Rey--where Ashley kept her dad's yacht. Two days later, the Coast Guard found the yacht about sixty miles off the coast. Investigators found two empty champagne bottles. Her cell phone and wallet were on the nightstand. The official report stated that in her drunken stupor, she must have fallen overboard."

"I remember reading about the incident," Dr. Foster informed Spencer. "How are you now?"

"I've been having nightmares for about six months. Terrifying, horrible nightmares that occur maybe three times a week."

Dr. Foster nodded and asked, "could you describe these nightmares?"

"They're a bit difficult to explain," Spencer replied, "but I'll try. It's like I never fell asleep, but I know that I did. They're so real, so vivid. I'll be somewhere, like in my house or sometimes even my bed. I'll tell you about my most recent ones. In the last one, I'm asleep in my bed, but I'm awoken by someone walking through my room. It grew closer and closer to me and suddenly, I realized I was dreaming. I kept trying to move but it felt like my muscles were stretching beyond their capability. The figure finally made its way to me and as it was about to touch me, I woke up.

"I'll be covered in sweat, my body will ache and I'll be completely terrified because I still believe that it's happening. In the one before that, I was at a friend's house. When I left, I decided to walk home. On my way, I turned around to see a man charging at me. It seems like I'm always being attacked somehow," Spencer finished.

"Spencer, I've dealt with this many times," he said. "You're suffering from sleep paralysis. This happens when the mind wakes before the body. It's fairly common. I've studied nightmares for years. It's a very debated science, but fairly accurate. In most cases, dreams of being attacked translate to acceptance. I had a patient once who came to me about nightmares of being assaulted. As soon as that patient accepted their homosexuality, the nightmares ceased. In your case, it could be the acceptance of a loved one's death."

------

As Spencer grabbed her groceries from her car, her mother's silver SUV pulled into the driveway. '_Great,_' she thought.

"Spence, honey, do you need some help?"

"Sure, mom," she replied unenthusiastically.

"How was your appointment with Dr. Foster?" Paula asked.

"It was...very informative," Spencer replied as she pushed her key into the front door's lock. "He's a nice man, mother."

Paula followed her daughter into the kitchen and set the groceries onto the marble counter. "Honey, maybe it's time you sell this house. Ashley left you so much money, you could always find another pla--"

"Mom," Spencer interjected. "For the eightieth time, I'm not selling this house. Ashley _loved_ this house."

"I know, Spencer, but part of moving on is moving away from the things that remind you the most."

Spencer sighed. She felt as if she'd had this conversation with her a mother a thousand times. Ashley did love this beach house. She loved to sit on the back balcony and watch the ocean. She loved to sit in her studio and write for hours. Spencer felt as though she had to protect that.

"Have you ever considered that maybe I'm not ready to move on?" Spencer asked her mother as she tucked vegetables into their appropriate drawers in her stainless steel fridge.

"Spencer, honey, it's been three years. Ashley Davies is _dead_," her mother replied.

"They never recovered a body."

"It's the ocean, Spencer! There are so many things that could have happened!" Paula cried. "She's gone, Spence."

"I think you should leave," Spencer said with her back turned.

"No, I will not leave. Not until I know you're going to begin taking the steps to get over that girl," her mother replied.

"Mom," Spencer said calmly, "Ashley was the love of my life. She was so fucking beautiful, so fucking amazing; my everything. I've tried dating, you know I have. But tell me, if dad died, how quickly would you move on? Oh, wait, don't bother answering that. How is Ben, by the way?"

It wasn't long before a perfectly manicured hand made contact with Spencer's face. "Spencer Madeleine Carlin, don't you ever speak to me that way again!" Paula yelled.

"Mom, did you know that Ashley's Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers and Purple Venom record collection was missing when she disappeared? Ashley fucking _cherished _those albums. They weren't on the yacht, not at her mother's house, not with Kyla, in fact, no one seems to know the hell they went to. Did you know when I came here looking for her after our fight, that there was a cd on the bed with only one song on it? No, because you've never bothered to ask!" Spencer yelled back.

Paula stood there, feigning indifference. "What does that matter, Spencer?"

"Those albums vanished. Ashley did something with them. And that cd, the song on it was Tom Petty's 'American Girl.' Go home and listen to that song, mother. And also, Ash left me everything. She'd come into her twenty-five million dollar inheritance over a year before her disappearance, but when it came to me, there was only ten million left. Her lawyers believe she blew it all. But fifteen million dollars in a year? I think I would have noticed," Spencer said quickly.

"Spencer, Ashley's gone. She's not coming back, it's time to get those hopeful thoughts out of your head and move on," Paula responded.

"No. I owe her this. I drove her to that yacht," Spencer said crying. She slid down to the floor and as she pulled her knees to her chest, she stated, "mom, it's just so fucking hard. I loved her _so_ much."


	2. God & Mars

"How have you been sleeping, Spencer?" Dr. Foster asked. "Have the nightmares dissipated?"

"No, they haven't," Spencer replied.

"What has changed in the past week?"

Spencer looked around the plush office. She noted the mahogany furniture and the blue patterned wallpaper surrounding her before speaking. "After our last appointment, my mother and I had a fight about Ashley. It was the usual; her telling me that Ashley is dead and gone, me telling her that things don't seem to add up..but I think I'm trying to accept that Ashley is really gone."

Dr. Foster nodded in understanding. "How does that make you feel, Spencer?"

The blonde sighed and picked at her fingernails before responding, "I have mixed feelings about it."

-----

_"Hey, Spence!" Spencer heard her girlfriend yell up the stairs._

_"Yeah, baby?" _

_"Let's go jump into the pool with all our clothes on!" Ashley answered._

_Spencer laughed and said, "Ashley, you're crazy. I love you, but you're crazy."_

_Ashley came bounding up the steps and into her own bedroom where Spencer lay on her bed reading a book. "Babe, it's a wonderful Sunday afternoon, and you're in my bed _reading_," Ashley spoke._

_"Wait, wait...you actually know what reading is? Oh, sweetheart, I'm so proud of you!" Spencer said with a laugh._

_"Let's see how funny you think you are, Carlin, when I'm kicking your ass!" Ashley said as she pounced on Spencer's lying form. They wrestled for a bit until Ashley finally had Spencer pinned, holding the blonde's wrists against the sheets above her head. "Spencer?"_

_"Yeah, Ash?"_

_"You are so fucking beautiful...and you don't even know it," Ashley whispered._

_"Not like you, babe," Spencer replied._

_"That's right, because you are so much more," Ashley said before leaning down and brushing her lips against her girlfriend's. "I love you so damn much, gorgeous. More than anything. Never forget that."_

_"I love you too, baby, and I won't," Spencer said with a beaming smile. _

-----

"Tell me what you were thinking about," he asked kindly.

"I think it was around October of 2006...I was lying in Ashley's bed when she randomly suggested we jump into the pool fully clothed," Spencer said with a chuckle. "Ashley had a knack for spontaneity."

"So, Spencer, tell me about your life," he said.

"Well, um, I just graduated from UCLA in May with a degree in English. I have two brothers: Glen, who is a police officer and Clay, who is an Engineer. I grew up in Ohio and moved to California during my Senior year. My father is a great man; my mother is, simply but, a crazy, controlling bitch. They divorced two years ago," Spencer replied.

Dr. Foster smiled and removed his glasses. "Very informative, Spencer."

"I know this will sound terrible, but most of my life dealt with Ashley. Since her disappearance, I've thrown myself into school and my internships and pushed her to the back of my mind. I never gave myself the time to grieve, so now it's all catching up on me. And something feels so terribly off," Spencer replied.

"When and how did you meet?"

"I moved to L.A. in mid-November of my senior year in high school--2005. Ashley and I shared most of our classes that trimester, so they made her my tour guide. We clicked instantly and soon we were inseperable. I fell so head over heels in love with her the second I saw her, can you believe that? But I think everyone did. She was so beautiful...she carried such an sense of understanding and she was so quick-witted. She was brilliant, absolutely brilliant," Spencer said with a smile.

"How did she feel about you?"

"Well, I was never sure until one January night. We were laying in her bed; my head on her shoulder. She used to trace patterns on my back under my shirt and I loved that so much...but that night, she looked at me and told me there was something I needed to know, because she couldn't hold it in any longer. That something was that she was in love with me; so in love with me. I didn't believe her at first. I mean, how could a girl like that ever love a girl like me?

"But when she kissed me, I knew. I just knew. Ashley had never been less than honest with me. She loathed dishonesty. But anyway, after that, Ashley and I became an us," Spencer answered.

"How long were you together before she disappeared?" Dr. Foster questioned.

"Officially? Over a year and a half."

"Did you two have a strong relationship?"

"Yeah, I believe we did. Ashley's dad died soon after that night...that tore her apart. We hit a rocky patch, but we came out stronger than before. Ashley turned eighteen that March; came into her inheritance. Her father left her and Kyla twenty-five million dollars each. She bought a beach house...which is where I live now. But Ashley and I...we were something else. Something amazing and incredible. God, she was my fucking everything," Spencer said.

"You currently live in her house?"

"Yeah, Ashley left everything to me. I never even knew she had made a will...but I can't bear to leave that house. It's the closest I can come to having her around," Spencer replied.

"Could you tell me about the fight?"

"It began as an empty fight, really. Ashley was having terrible writer's block and it frustrated her. Ashley would always let things boil up inside of her. But on top of that, I was frustrated because of working longs hours for my internship, dealing with my mother and Ashley's temper tantrums. We bickered and argued constantly. We had a lot of make-up sex," Spencer said with a chuckle.

"Then, all of sudden, I realized I was screaming. The worst part? I couldn't stop. I told her we were really done," Spencer said with a sniffle. "I told her I never wanted to see her again. She was sobbing. And because I was so fucking proud and so angry, I didn't back down. By the time I realized that I said such terrible things, she was gone. It was maybe six hours, I think. Six hours was all it took to lose my girlfriend, my love, forever."

-----

_"Spencer, tell me you don't mean those things," Ashley said between choked sobs._

_"Ashley, I can't deal with you," Spencer said. "I barely see you. When I do, we're fighting. We haven't even.had sex in three weeks because you're always in that God damn studio!"_

_"I'm sorry, baby," Ashley said quietly. "I can change that."_

_"I'm tired of you always having to say sorry, Ashley," Spencer said, equally as quiet._

_"I'll just...I'll let you live then."_

-----

"Spencer? Spencer, are you okay?"

The blonde looked up at him embarrassed and said, "I'm sorry, Dr. Foster. I was in another place."

"Quite okay but I'm sorry, Spencer, our time is up. We'll continue this on Thursday, okay?"

-----

As Spencer climbed into her--_Ashley's_ Porsche, she couldn't help but cry. _Three years_, Spencer thought, _three fucking years and I still can't help but think about her everyday_. She waited until the tears stopped before turning the key in the ignition.

-----

_Spencer closed her science book when she heard Ashley's ringtone, Something Corporate's 'As You Sleep,' coming from her cell phone on the nightstand. _

_"Hey you," Spencer said into the receiver._

_"Hey, baby. What are you doing?"_

_"Trying to concentrate on studying for my science final but all I can think about is how bad I want you. Funny story, you see...I'm crazy horny," Spencer answered with a sly smile._

_There was silence for a second before Spencer heard a loud crunching noise and a, "holy fuck!"_

_"Ashley, baby, are you okay? What happened?"_

_"Fuck, Spencer," Ashley said with a laugh, "you probably shouldn't tell me such things when I'm driving."_

_"Why? What happened, babe?" _

_"Because when you say things like 'I want you' and 'crazy horny,' all I can think about is how your bare skin feels against mine and how you taste...and well, I don't see things like the Cavalier stopped in front of me and yeah, um, I'm pretty sure I just totaled the Cayenne...and Jesus Christ, I so have to take a picture of this car--it's sotally fucked! Shit, baby, I have to go. I'm alright, I love you and I'll call you in a bit!" Ashley said before closing her phone and getting out to investigate the damage._

**-----**

Spencer walked through her front door and threw her keys on the counter. She was walking to the fridge to grab a bottle of water when her phone rang.

"Kyla! How are you?" Spencer said into the phone.

"_I'm great, Spence_. _How's therapy going_?" Kyla asked.

"Um, it's progressing," Spencer replied. "I have to explain so much to Dr. Foster before we can really talk."

"_Yeah, I get that. But I have some good news!"_

"Oh yeah? What's that?" Spencer questioned.

"_I'm coming to California on Saturday for a week!" _

"Oh, that's great, Ky! We can go out for your birthday!" the blonde said.

-----

_"Happy eighteenth, baby!" Ashley said as she ran into Spencer's room. _

_"Aw, you couldn't wait 'til school?" Spencer asked, walking towards her girlfriend._

_Ashley kissed Spencer lightly before answering, "fuck school, Spence. We only have four days left at King High...ever! Let me take you out for your birthday instead."_

_"My mom would be pissed, so...let's do it," The blonde said while wrapping her arms around Ashley's neck as the brunette wrapped hers around Spencer's waist._

_Ashley nuzzled into Spencer's neck, leaving small kisses everywhere. "Want your present?"_

_"Mmhmm," Spencer replied._

_Ashley pulled away and took off the bracelets on her left wrist, uncovering a script 'S.' _

_"Ashley...oh my God, is that real tattoo?" Spencer took Ashley's nose-crinkling smile as a yes. "Oh my God, Ash. You didn't have to do that!"_

_"I wanted to, baby."_

_Spencer grinned wickedly before pushing Ashley against her bedroom door and kissing her deep, long, and hard. Pulling away out of breath, Spencer said, "take me out today. Take me to where you got your tattoo, so I can finally get that 'A.'_


	3. Remember you're mine, girl

"How are you today, Spencer?"

"Quite well, Dr. Foster," Spencer answered.

"How are the nightmares?" He asked.

Spencer played with her hands and replied, "they're becoming less frequent."

"That's good, Spencer. You're getting closer and closer to where you want to be," Dr. Foster stated.

"Yeah, I guess. It's just, I know that I need to get over this, but I don't want to forget about Ashley," Spencer said. "I'm finally accepting that she's just gone...but it doesn't make me miss her any less. I miss everything from her smile to her skin. I miss hearing her laugh. I miss her body and her touch and her voice and...just everything. I even miss her cold hands and feet; I swear that girl always had the touch of death.

"Most of all, I miss the way she made me feel. I've tried dating, but none of those girls even came close to Ashley. Dr. Foster, I'm afraid I'm never going to feel that way again."

"You never will if you don't allow yourself to," he replied. "Spencer, what do you usually do to clear your mind?"

"I drive," Spencer simply replied.

-----

_Spencer was sitting in her history class when she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She was hoping it was Ashley telling her where the hell she'd been all day. The blonde carefully opened her phone under her desk and read, "meet me by the south gym doors after school. Love you baby!"_

_The youngest Carlin simply sported an amused smile as the bell rang. As she turned the corner leading to the south gym doors, she saw it--a brand new Porsche 911 Turbo. Ashley was leaning against the passenger door with a wicked grin on her face. "Holy Hell, Ashley," Spencer said._

_"This precious baby--a brand fuckin' new silver 911 Turbo GT--is all mine," the brunette said proudly._

_"These cost like a hundred and thirty grand, babe!"_

_Ashley nodded, "but so worth it, gorgeous. Come on, I know a place we can go test out the top speed!"_

_"Oh, Lord. Why couldn't you just get another Cayenne?" Spencer asked._

_"Those are fast, too, Spence."_

-----

Dr. Foster smiled and said, "I drive, too. I have a spot that I go to when I feel...well, overwhelmed. I turn the radio and simply think. It's very relaxing."

"I agree," Spencer replied. "I either drive or sit on the balcony and watch the ocean. My dad, a social worker, is a great listener, so he comes to sit and talk with me sometimes. He's very understanding...unlike my mother."

"Has your mother always been so demanding?"

Spencer laughed and said, "oh, God, yeah. It took her a long time to come to terms with my sexuality. She told me I was going to Hell; I told her to go to Hell. Then I met Ashley, and my mother shifted that disappointment to my relationship with her. Then it was the college I chose, after that it was my major. She's not usually happy with my decisions, but I learned long ago that it doesn't matter. It's just how she was raised. I do love my mother, Dr. Foster, it's just that she's too much to take at times."

"Very understandable, Spencer," he replied. "It's because she loves you, though. A number of my clients are mothers. Many of them want their children to make the decisions they never had the chance to or to guide them away from making the same mistakes they did."

"She hates my tattoo," Spencer stated randomly. "I have an A above my left breast...I had it done on my eighteenth birthday. I remember coming home and showing my brothers and when my mom walked in, she flipped out. It was quite funny actually...I think that was the only time I have ever heard my mother say 'boob.'"

-----

_"Ashley, my mom is going to be so pissed, but I love it...I love you," Spencer said while rubbing Tattoo Goo above her breast._

_Ashley simply smiled and took the small metal tin from the blonde's hand so she could apply it. "Mark did a great job, huh?"_

_"It looks so good," Spencer said, examining her chest in the mirror. "This way, you'll always be close to my heart, no matter what."_

_"Come here and kiss me, gorgeous," Ashley said. "Even though that was incredibly corny."_

-----

After Spencer left Dr. Foster's office, she drove around the city for an hour before pulling off onto an all too familiar road and parked her car in front of Carla's Flower Shop. Spencer had been coming in twice a week since Ashley's mother had put a casket in the ground two and a half years ago. Every Monday and Thursday, Spencer walked down the fifth row to the sixteenth stone; a place where she sometimes just sat for hours. The maintenance men had become quite familiar with her, so they always took care of Ashley's headstone for her. Spencer was so grateful for them.

"I'll have my usual, Carla," Spencer said gently to the elderly woman.

"I'll be right back, dear," the woman said. She returned and said, "a bouquet of sunflowers for my best customer."

"I hardly think twice a week makes me your best customer," Spencer said with a smile while pulling her wallet out of her purse.

"Ah, you wouldn't believe, honey."

"Well, in that case, I'm happy to be your best customer," Spencer replied with a wink.

-----

_"God, I hate flowers, you know that?" Ashley said randomly.  
_

_"Yeah, babe," Spencer replied, half asleep. "I do know that."_

_"But sunflowers on the other hand, those are a different story. They're not as pretty and stuck-up as roses, but they're not as ugly as, let's say, weeds. They're like the badass of flowers. They're big, they could kick a rose's ass like it was nothin'," the brunette said while running her hand up and down Spencer's spine._

_"Kind of like you, huh?"_

_"Exactly. You see, Madison is rose. Pretty on the surface, stuck-up, loses appeal after about three days or so," Ashley stated. "I'm a big, bad, mother fuckin' kick ass sunflower."_

_"But you're __**my**__ big, bad, mother fuckin' kick ass sunflower, though," Spencer said sleepily._

_"It's so hot when you say 'fuck.'"_

-----

Fifth row, sixteenth headstone. Spencer didn't even need to look up to know where she was going. When she reached the engraved stone, she sat on the plush, green grass and laid the flowers in front of the polished rock.

"Not much has changed since Monday, babe," Spencer said, exhaling a deep breath. "My mom and I still haven't talked. I suppose I just don't feel the need to right now. She knows the past few months have been really difficult, but she never lets up, you know? But anyway, Kyla's coming to visit...I'm really excited about that. I know we'll get completely shitfaced as usual. Your sister's not the lightweight she used to be, but since you've been gone, I can't hold my liquor to save my life. I usually only drink when she's here. I mean, I'll have a bit of wine here and there, but not too much.

"Maybe we'll go out. I've been cooped up in that house since school ended. I guess I should make some friends...but people suck; they really do. Oh, I talked to Dr. Foster today. Mostly about my mom and my life growing up; nothing too interesting. God, listen to how boring I've become. I feel so pathetic sometimes. It's just terribly hard, but I suppose in time, I'll finally get this 'acceptance' thing everyone's been talking about," Spencer stated.

She took a deep breath before saying, "I miss you so much. Every morning I wake up and reach out to run my hand across your bare back, but you're never there. It feels as if I'll do that forever. A deputy from the Sheriff's office called last week. I guess when they were doing some re-arranging in the evidence room, they found the box full of your things off to the side and covered in dust. He told me I could come get it if I wanted. I keep telling myself I haven't gone because I haven't had time, but I know it's because I'm not ready to move on just yet. That box will kind of make things official, you know?"

-----

Spencer turned left into the lane that led to her beach house. She smiled to herself as its tall windows and picturesque frame came into view. She pulled the car into the expansive garage and killed the ignition. As she stepped out of the vehicle, she hit two on her speed dial and waited for her dad to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, dad. Just calling to let you know I'm home," Spencer said as she opened the door leading to the front hall. "I picked up some fresh veggies and steak the other day...feel like having shish ka bobs?"

Arthur chuckled into the phone and said, "a girl after my own heart. I'll be there in maybe half an hour and I'll pick up some wine on my way. "

"Okay, dad," the blonde replied. "See you then. Love you!"

"I love you, too, honey."

Spencer set her keys and purse on the kitchen counter and sighed. She loved this house...she loved how the outermost wall was made of mirrored glass so the ocean was always visible. Ashley was so proud of this kitchen, with its marble countertops and stainless steel appliances. On the main floor was a large living room, two guest bedrooms and the master bedroom; each with their own bathrooms and walk-in closets. Ashley had put a lot of thought into remodeling the large house. She'd made the basement into her studio and the second floor was completely open, so Ashley had turned that into a den type area. She'd put a mahogany pool table with black felt on one side and the rest of the expansive room was lined with black leather couches that surrounded a large television.

Spencer walked to the refridgerator and grabbed some peppers and a box of cherry tomatoes from the bottom drawer. Next, she set out a cutting board and grabbed her favorite chef knife the magnetic rack above the stove. After peeling a few onions, she placed one on the board and cut the tips off. As she was dicing, she caught the tip of her middle finger with the sharp edge of the knife.

"Fuck," she said loudly, before walking to the sink to run it under some water.

-----

_Spencer opened the front door to Ashley's 'humble abode,' as the brunette referred to her sprawling beach front home. "Ashley? I'm here, beautiful, and I come bearing gifts!" The blonde yelled. _

_"I'm in my room, babe," Ashley yelled back._

_Spencer walked down the end of the hall on her right and entered Ashley's bedroom. She was instantly hit with the sweet smell of Ashley's Parisian perfume, so she inhaled deeply before finding the brunette in the bathroom with her arm under the faucet._

_"Oh, Ash, what did you do?" Spencer asked, rushing to examine her arm._

_"Caught it on my flat iron," Ashley stated. "I thought the little bastard was off...I told you that thing had it out for me. It's been waiting, Spence."_

_"Probably because you've left it on so many times," Spencer joked. "It's a pretty decent burn, babe. Do you want me to call my mom?"_

_"And have her go on for twenty minutes about how many houses have burned down from flat irons being left on? I think not, gorgeous," Ashley replied. "Let's find the Neosporin that's hiding around here somewhere, put a band-aid on it and I'll be good to go!"_

_Spencer smiled at her girlfriend and said, "this is one of the many reasons I love you."_

_"Mm, baby, I love you too," Ashley said, leaning in to steal a kiss. "Now I heard you say something about gifts...what is it? Edible underwear? Because I am so down."_

_-----_


	4. When You Were Young

"Is it ever going to be easier?" Spencer asked while she watched her father expertly flip the ka bobs on the grill.

"With time, honey," Arthur said, turning to face his daughter. "You're only twenty-two years old, Spence. You have the rest of your life in front of you; taking some time to grieve the loss of your girlfriend will only do you good. Don't let your mother rush you into anything."

"Yeah, I suppose," Spencer said, running her finger along the top of glass of wine. "The past few months have been really hard. I have so much time on my hands now...all I really do is think."

Arthur nodded in understanding and said, "you could always come volunteer down at the office to get your mind off of things."

"Yeah, I'd like that, dad."

"I'll tell you what, Spence. Why don't you, Glen and I go out for a nice dinner and a couple drinks tomorrow night?" Arthur asked.

Spencer smiled and said, "sounds great. Oh, Kyla's coming in to town on Saturday, too. You'll have to come make us dinner sometime next week."

"Oh, so you're demanding it now?"

"Only because I love you so much," Spencer replied.

"It has nothing to do with my culinary skills?"

"Maybe a little...okay, it has a lot to do with your culinary skills."

Arthur laughed and said, "that's what I thought."

"Dad, do you ever think about Ashley?"

"All the time, honey. I loved her like she was my own," Arthur replied sadly. "Ashley was such a wonderful young woman. I miss her dearly."

-----

_Spencer awoke when she felt a kiss against her pulse point. "Mmm, Ash, what time is it?"_

_"It's six," Ashley replied, hovering over the blonde._

_"Babe..."_

_"I know, I know, you said an hour. But baby, you've been so damn stressed out and exhausted lately," Ashley said while tracing her fingers along Spencer's jaw. "I thought you could use the rest."_

_Spencer smiled and pulled her girlfriend down for a chaste kiss. The brunette rested her forehead against hers and Spencer said, "I'll forgive you for being so sweet."_

_"Good. Now, come on, up and at 'em. I ordered some Chinese," Ashley said with a grin. "I was hankerin' for some pork fried rice."_

_"Hankerin', Ashley?" Spencer asked with a chuckle. "Did you pick that up from Aiden?"_

_"Actually, no. But there was nothing on tv earlier, so I watched a rodeo. It was so cool, babe, I want to try it!"_

-----

"So, honey, how's that new security system working?" Arthur asked after swallowing a bite of green pepper.

"It's awesome," Spencer replied. "The sensors down the lane are the coolest part. A little bell sounds when something passes by, so I know when someone is coming down here. Oh, and I can turn on the tv and go to channel four and see the areas the cameras are monitoring. It's _so _sweet, dad."

Arthur chuckled and replied, "I bet, Spence. Have you talked to your mother lately?"

"Not since last week," Spencer simply answered. "I know if I call her, she'll go on and on about how lovely Dr. Foster is and how much she believes therapy is going to help me get past Ashley, blah blah blah... And of course, she'll bug me about doing something with 'that degree' of mine."

"That's just how your mother is," Arthur stated. "I do believe relentless is the word."

-----

_"So, Ashley, do you go to church?" Paula asked casually over dinner._

_"Um, not so much, Mrs. C," Ashley replied cautiously._

_"What do your parents do?" _

_"Well, my dad tours a lot with his band," the brunette answered. "And my mom is just always on the hunt for latest man candy."_

_"Your father is in a band?" Paula asked, shocked._

_"Her dad's Raife Davies, mom. He's in Purple Venom," Glen said, taking his opportunity to help ease the spotlight off of Ashley. Spencer threw a smile his way in appreciation._

_"Oh," Paula said, faking indifference. "Did that affect you growing up?"_

_Spencer sighed and said, "mom, give it a rest. I'm sure Ashley would love to tell you another time."_

-----

"What's going on in that head of yours, kiddo?"

"I was thinking about the first time Ashley had dinner with us," Spencer answered.

Arthur laughed as he shifted his eyes toward the ocean. "Your mother just went to town on interrogating her that night."

Spencer smiled to herself as she watched waves crash along the shore and said, "Ash was so adorable when she was nervous."

-----

_Spencer closed her eyes as Ashley's kisses became lower and lower on her abdomen. The blonde's hips lifted at their own accord when Ashley placed a wet kiss just below her belly button. Spencer buried her hands in brunette locks and pulled Ashley up to kiss her deeply. _

_"You okay, baby?" Ashley asked after pulling away slightly._

_Spencer swallowed thickly before answering, "I'm nervous..."_

_"Me too," Ashley replied, removing her hand from beside Spencer's head to show her how badly it was shaking. "I've never done this with anyone I loved."_

_Spencer simply smiled at her girlfriend and Ashley took a deep breath. _

_"I'm going to take care of you, beautiful. I promise," Ashley stated._

_"I trust you, baby," the blonde replied, leaning up to kiss Ashley. _

_Ashley ground her hips into Spencer's and as the moan escaped from the blonde's mouth, Ashley seized Spencer's bottom lip between her teeth and slid her hands up her lover's abdomen to cup her bare breasts. Spencer's hands moved their place on Ashley's thighs to behind her back to unclasp her black bra. Ashley threw the garment somewhere left of the bed and started her assault on Spencer's neck. "Fuck, Ash," Spencer moaned as she bit down on her pulse point. By this time, Ashley's fingers were pinching the blonde's erect nipples and it was effectively driving Spencer mad with desire._

_Ashley pushed her hips into Spencer's once again as she moved to bring Spencer's left nipple into her warm mouth. Spencer's hands wound themselves in Ashley's curly locks as her back arched up off of the bed. Spencer groaned as Ashley pulled away but it was soon replaced with another low moan as Ashley's knee pushed against her hot center. The blonde rocked her hips against Ashley and the brunette buried her face into Spencer's neck, breathing hard. _

_"You like that, gorgeous?" Ashley asked before sucking on the blonde's earlobe._

_"Jesus...fuck yes," Spencer finally managed to say as she rocked against her lover._

_"Are you ready?" The brunette huskily whispered against Spencer's ear. Ashley took Spencer's moan as a yes and pulled back to hook her fingers underneath the waistband of the blonde's underwear. She slowly pulled them down and when they were off, Ashley slid her hands along Spencer's inner thighs as they reflexively spread apart. Ashley kissed across her abdomen again and stroked the blonde's hip bones with her thumbs. She could smell her girlfriend's arousal and her own center flooded yet again with a rush of wetness._

_"Ash, baby...please," Spencer pleaded._

_Ashley placed one last kiss in between Spencer's breasts and shifted her body so her face was even with the blonde's center. Spencer sucked in a breath as Ashley brushed her lips across her throbbing clit. After what seemed like forever, Ashley slid a lone finger into Spencer's soaked center. The blonde whimpered as she bucked her hips, trying to bring more of Ashley inside of her. "Fuck, Spence, you're so tight," Ashley growled against the blonde's skin while adding another finger._

_Ashley brushed her lips over Spencer's clit again and the blonde whimpered in appreciation. The brunette finally sucked the hard nub into her mouth and a number of curses slipped past Spencer's lips. Ashley picked up the rhythm her fingers were making and sucked harder on Spencer's clit. She then curled her fingers and soon, she found the blonde's g-spot and applied as much pressure as she could. Spencer's hands were grasping at the bed sheets trying to find purchase and she screamed as she rode out her orgasm._

_Ashley couldn't help but come at the feeling of Spencer's walls contracting around her fingers._


	5. I Can Make It Happen With the Capt'n

"Kyla!" Spencer exclaimed as she opened her front door. Kyla dropped her bags to fully hug the blonde. "God, it so good to see you!"

"Oh, I know, Spence," Kyla said while she and the blonde picked up her bags and walked into the house. "I've missed you so much! Oh, hey, is that your Range Rover at the end of the lane?"

"Um, no, I'm pretty sure mine's still in the garage," Spencer said. She walked into the living room, turned on the tv and switched to channel four. "Well, it's not there now...and the sensor never sounded today with the exception of you just now."

"Strange," Kyla replied. "Oh! I picked up our favorite on the way over!"

Spencer smiled when the brunette pulled a fifth of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum out of a grocery bag. "I guess we're gonna have to make it happen with the Capt'n tonight!" Spencer said with a laugh.

"Alright, so let's get to it! I've been craving Captain & coke all week!" Kyla exclaimed as she pulled two glasses from a cabinet in the kitchen.

"Kyla, it's four in the afternoon," Spencer reminded her.

"So what? We'll be PTFO'd by midnight, no big deal," the brunette replied, adding ice to the empty glasses.

"God, I haven't heard 'PTFO' since college," Spencer stated. "I recently had to explain it to my dad, though. That was fun."

"Soooo, let's get drunk and 'Pass The Fuck Out!'"

"I'm not cleaning up any puke, Kyla, keep that in mind," Spencer said with a laugh.

-----

_"Ashley," Spencer said, "I am not drunk."_

_"Don't lie to me, baby," Ashley slurred from beside her on the couch._

_"I'm not. You should have let me finish," the blonde stated. "I am not drunk; I am hammered."_

_Ashley laughed and put her arm around Spencer's shoulders. "You're mine," she whispered in Spencer's ear._

_"Always, babe," Spencer whispered back, kissing her lightly. "Now, we need to decide if getting drunk on a Wednesday night by ourselves is a bad thing...but after we make more rum and cokes."_

_"This is one of the many reasons I love you, Spencer Madeleine Carlin," the brunette said as they stood from the couch and started walking towards the kitchen._

_"Oh my God, do you remember when Kyla puked in your Range Rover?" Spencer said, erupting in laughter._

_"God, babe, why did you have to bring that up? Ugh...I swear I can still smell undigested Taco Bell sometimes," Ashley replied, making a disgusted face._

_"I thought you were going to kill her...your face was fucking priceless!" the blonde exclaimed, still laughing._

-----

Spencer slammed the second shot glass on the counter and winced as the Hpnotiq and Hennessy burned down her throat. "Alright, I pick the next shot," Spencer stated.

"No more Incredible Hulks?" The brunette asked. "That makes Kyla sad."

Spencer chuckled and said, "Spencer is going to kick your ass if you keep talking like that. Okay, so I'm feeling a...SoCo lime next."

"Ugh, Spence, those taste like puke. Do you want me to puke? I don't want to puke," Kyla said with a wave of her hand.

"I just had to do two Incredible Hulks and you know that I think Hpnotiq tastes like cat piss. I'm just getting you back," Spencer stated with a smirk.

"Fine. Let's get to it, woman!"

-----

_"SoCo & coke is my official drink of this summer," Ashley said, leaning on the balcony's rail._

_"Ashley Davies is the official love of my life," Spencer said sweetly while walking up behind the brunette and wrapping her arms around the shorter girl's waist._

_"Mm, I love you too, gorgeous," Ashley replied while entwining their fingers together. "This is perfect, you know?"_

_"What is, baby?" Spencer asked._

_"Standing on the balcony of my dream home, watching the sun set over the ocean and sipping on my favorite beverage with my girl's arms around my waist," Ashley replied._

_"You're perfect, you know?" Spencer whispered in her ear._


	6. The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

All right, now for those of you that have read my old one-shots 'Grand Theft Autumn' and 'She Paints Me Blue,' I threw in a little something special for you :)

-----

As Spencer emerged from the bathroom, she heard a sound similar to the doorbell and it took a second for her drunken mind to realize it was the motion sensor in the lane.

"Spencer!" Kyla exclaimed from the living room. "I think the doorbell rang!"

"Turn the t.v. on to channel four, Kyla," Spencer yelled from her bedroom, "and see whose car is in the driveway."

A few seconds later, Spencer heard, "it's a police interceptor!"

Spencer walked in to the living room in her fresh clothes and replied, "why can't you say cop car like the rest of us?"

"Police interceptor sounds _so_ much cooler," Kyla replied before the actual doorbell rang. Spencer shot a nervous look to the brunette before walking over to the front door. She opened it and smiled.

"Deputy Greenlee, how are you?" Spencer asked sweetly.

The average looking man replied, "I'm good, Spencer. How are you?"

"A little drunk, so I'm wonderful," Spencer replied with a chuckle. She noted the box marked 'evidence' in his arms and said, "please come in, Jeremy."

He nodded and stepped inside. Deputy Jeremy Greenlee was the officer who found Ashley's car at the marina. The investigation was a top priority for the County Sheriff's office at one point in time. During that time, the young man became quite familiar with Spencer and Kyla. He placed the box on the kitchen counter and his face lit up as Kyla stepped into the kitchen as well.

"Hi, Kyla," he stated.

"Hey, Jeremy, whatcha got there?" Kyla asked, approaching the box.

Spencer smiled sadly and said, "it's Ashley's things from the yacht. I've been kinda putting off going to the station to pick them up...I'm sorry you had to come out here, deputy."

"It's quite alright. I know you said all that time ago that you weren't ready to have it but I figured that before it's locked away in that new facility, you'd like to have it," Deputy Greenlee said.

Kyla noted the sadness hanging in the air so she cut in with, "are you off duty, Jer? Would you like a drink?"

-----

_Spencer smiled when her bedroom door opened and Ashley stepped in carrying two outfits covered in black bags. She shut her iPod off and took out the earphones while saying, "what are those?"_

_Ashley laid the bags down on the bed beside Spencer and said, "our Halloween costumes, silly."_

_"I thought we were just going to hand out candy," Spencer replied._

_"Well," Ashley said, "that was until Aiden decided to have a Halloween party tonight, babe."_

_Spencer laughed and shook her head. "There's Ashley Davies for you, never one to settle for something as simple as handing out candy."_

_"Listen, Spence, I bought us some hot costumes, so be quiet," Ashley responded._

_"Oh yeah? How hot?" Spencer asked._

_"Pretty god damn hot," Ashley said as she stood up and grabbed the first bag. "Okay, I'm going in your closet to change. Yours is right here," Ashley said while pointing to the other bag._

_"Ashley, you can change in here. It's not like I've never seen you naked," Spencer added._

_Ashley simply grinned, "I want it to be a surprise. And I want yours to be, too." She finally walked into the closet._

_Spencer chuckled to herself as she unzipped the bag. "Of course," Spencer said to herself as she pulled the costume out._

_A few minutes later, Ashley emerged from the closet. Spencer glanced over at her and let her jaw drop. Ashley stood before her in the smallest, tightest, sexiest French maid costume she'd ever seen. Hell, she was the sexiest French maid she'd ever seen._

_Ashley laughed lightly at Spencer's response as she checked her girlfriend out in return. "Naughty cop fits you so well, Spence."_

_Spencer looked a bit unsure as she put the mock cover on top of her head. "I don't know, Ash. Are these supposed to be shorts? God, they could double as underwear. And the top barely covers my bra, it's so low. It only has five buttons!"_

_Ashley slowly walked over to Spencer. She gently pulled on the tops of the pockets on the black shirt and slighty grazed Spencer's breasts with her knuckles. She straightened out the badge and buckled the belt that Spencer had forgotten about when she saw Ashley. She took the handcuffs from the bed and tucked them into their respectful place on the belt. "Spencer, you look absolutely breathtaking," Ashley whispered into her ear._

_It wasn't long before they were at Aiden's. They walked in the front door and it seemed as if everyone stopped what they were doing as they stepped in. Spencer blushed at her lack of clothing but soon regained her confidence when Ashley's hand found hers. They walked through the people and into the kitchen._

_"Hey! You guys came!" Aiden said, yelling from his spot behind the counter._

_"God, he's already trashed," Ashley joked as they watched him as he started singing along to Something Corporate's '21 and Invincible' as loud as he could. "Aiden, two rum and cokes!"_

_"Actually, Ash, I don't think I'm going to drink tonight," Spencer said to her._

_"Why not?"_

_"Something just doesn't feel right," Spencer answered._

_"Okay, babe. I'll just drink yours," Ashley joked. "Are you all right?"_

_"Yeah," Spencer said as she grabbed the drinks from Aiden and passed them to Ashley. "I'm fine."_

_Ashley smiled as she took the drinks from her. "You look amazing, Spence. Really."_

_Spencer blushed slightly and said, "have I told you lately how much I love you?"_

_"Refresh my memory," Ashley replied._

_"More than anything."_

_Ashley kissed Spencer chastely before saying, "dare me to chug these?"_

_"As long as I don't have to hold your hair back later," Spencer answered. Ashley didn't reply, just simply took down the drinks. As she was doing so, Spencer looked around at everyone. She noticed that almost every guy who wasn't doing a keg stand was staring at either her or Ashley. Hell, even Madison was staring._

_Ashley slammed the blue plastic cups on the counter when she finished and then held her arms up in victory. "Damn, I'm good. Aiden, have any Tattoo?"_

_Aiden merely laughed before handing Ashley the entire bottle and a shot glass. "Spence, are you drinking?" He asked._

_"Not tonight, Aid," Spencer said. "Bottled water?"_

_"Sure," Aiden said with a smile._

_About an hour later, Spencer and Ashley sat on the couch as Ashley joked around with Aiden. Ashley's hand was tracing patterns on Spencer's bare leg without realizing it and it was driving Spencer insane. When said hand moved a little higher, Spencer couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed Ashley's hand and pulled her up from the couch with her._

_"Aiden, we're using your bedroom," Spencer stated as she dragged Ashley along behind her._

_"Videotape it!" Aiden called to them as they walked up the stairs._

_Spencer opened the door and as soon as Ashley was through it, she threw her against the door and kissed her passionately. Ashley tasted like coke and spiced rum and Spencer loved it. Spencer practically tore Ashley's top off and turned her around to throw her down on the bed. Ashley was too lost in what Spencer was doing to her neck to notice that Spencer was pushing her arms above her head. It wasn't until Ashley heard the click of the handcuffs closing that she realized what was going on._

_"Spence?"_

_Spencer looked up at Ashley and nodded for continue._

_"Did you just handcuff me to the bed?"_

_"Yes," Spencer said with a grin._

_"Thank you, Jesus," Ashley whispered. "Please continue."_

_Spencer swung her leg over Ashley to straddle her and slid her hands over Ashley's stomach and sides. Spencer then ran her thumbs below the bottom seam of Ashley's black bra and Ashley hissed in return. Spencer leaned down to kiss Ashley. She ran her tongue over Ashley's and the brunette moaned in return. Spencer repositioned herself so that one of her legs was in between Ashley's._

_Not long after, Ashley was grinding against Spencer's leg and Spencer was more than happy to match her rhythm._

_"I just wish I could touch you right now," Ashley breathed._

_"I'm such a tease," Spencer whispered into her ear before nipping at her earlobe. She soon moved back to Ashley's mouth._

_As if on cue, the door was thrown open and a police officer stepped in. Spencer and Ashley broke their kiss and looked at the man._

_"Did Aiden send you up here? Tell him to fuck off, he's not getting a videotape," Ashley quipped._

_"Excuse me, ma'am?" The man replied._

_"Shit," Spencer said, letting reality set in._

_"Damn it, of course the party gets busted when I'm about to have hot, kinky sex," Ashley said, throwing her head back in frustration. The officer and Spencer equally blushed at her comment._

_"Um, have you girls been drinking?" The officer asked. He was young, probably new to the force._

_"No, sir," Spencer replied quickly._

_"Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Since I, uh, interrupted such a, uh, compromising situation, I'm going to let you guys go. You, ma'am," he said pointing to Ashley, "I've know you've been drinking. You should work on that slurring of the speech thing._

_"Now why don't you," he said nodding at Spencer, "drive your friend home."_

_"Yes, sir," Spencer said. She uncuffed Ashley and they stood up._

_The officer looked at Spencer's outfit and said, "well, isn't this ironic?"_

_-----_

"I sure am, Kyla," Jeremy said. "Have any beer, Spencer?"

"There's some Coors Light and Bud Select in the beer fridge. It's kinda hidden in the living room, though. Kyla, could you show him where it is?" Spencer said.

Kyla looked at Spencer and sensing that she wanted to be alone, she responded with, "of course, Spence. We'll be out on the balcony, okay?"

"Okay," Spencer stated with a nod. When she heard the balcony door shut, she turned and placed her hands on top of the medium-sized white box.

'Davies, Ashley Marie. DOD: 8/17/07,' Spencer read to herself. She pulled the lid off and took a deep breath before looking inside. The first things she noticed were Ashley's wallet and cell phone. A few t-shirts and other articles of clothing were in a bag on the bottom. She took out the wallet and cell phone and as she removed the bag, she noticed a small set of keys in the corner of the box. She picked them up and didn't recognize any of the three keys on it, but as she examined the last key, she noticed the number 93 and 'L.A.P.S.' engraved into it.

She sighed and decided to leave this for when she was sober. She put everything back in the box, grabbed her drink and walked in the direction of the balcony.

"Hey," Kyla greeted her as she stepped onto the balcony. Spencer took the seat next to her and Kyla said, "we were just talking about Ashley's Porsche obsession."

Spenced laughed and said, "oh, God, Ashley and her Porsches..."

"Remember when she totaled her Cayenne because you told her you were horny?" Kyla said, bursting into laughter.

"Kyla!" Spencer exclaimed with a laugh. "No one was ever supposed to know about that!"

"Your secret's safe with me, Spencer," Jeremy said. "But it's getting late, I better get going. Thanks for the beer, though."

"Stop by any time you like, Jer," the blonde stated. "You still have my number, right?"

"Yes, I do and I will. Thanks, Spence," he said as he stepped through the balcony door.

Kyla turned to Spencer and smiled. "What was in the box, blondie?"

"Oh, her wallet, cell phone, some clothes...we can go through it together tomorrow if you would like," Spencer replied.

"Yeah, I would like that," the brunette said, taking a swig from her beer bottle. "Spence, I was actually planning on coming out here in October, but your dad called and said you've been having a tough time over the past four or so months."

"Yeah, he was right. I really appreciate you coming out here," Spencer said slowly. "Not many people understand what it's like besides you and my dad. My mom has been really pushy lately. She wants me to move on, get going with my life. But is not being ready a bad thing, Kyla? Am I just not accepting her death? I can never tell if I'm putting off the inevitable or if I'm really not ready...I think this is what falling apart with subtlety feels like."

"Is therapy helping?"

"God, yeah. I'm finally just talking about everything," Spencer replied. "But hey, let's not talk about depressing things tonight. Let's get fucking hammered and have some fun!"

"Hmm, all right!" Kyla replied. "Oh, remember when I puked in Ashley's Rover? She fuckin' hit the roof!"

"Oh, I know! She was _irate..._she was like, 'Spencer, I'm either driving that thing into the ocean or lighting it on fire because I _cannot_ get that fucking smell out,'" Spencer said laughing. "It was terrible, Kyla."

"It was the Taco Bell, I swear to God!" Kyla protested. "Hey, you puked in the 911 once!"

"Yeah, true, but I was her girlfriend; all was forgiven," Spencer said with a faux cocky tone.

"How about the time she fell down that small set of steps at Aiden's and broke her finger with her belt buckle?" Kyla said with a chuckle.

"I was just glad it was her left hand," Spencer said with a wink.

"Gross, Spence, we're talking about my sister. Please keep that in mind," Kyla stated. "That was one of those tequila parties, wasn't it?"

"Yeah...God, the four of us drank nothing but fucking Cabo Wabo for like three months. I still can't even look at tequila sometimes."

-----

_"I'm glad that's over," Ashley said as she and Spencer climbed into her Porsche._

_"Why is it every time we've been at Gray's lately, Madison's there to ruin it all?" Spencer replied._

_"Because we're happy and she's mad because she never will be," Ashley replied._

_"You know what I think?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"I think she likes you," Spencer said as Ashley turned the key in the ignition. "I think she likes you and she's jealous."_

_"Well, who wouldn't be? I'm hot," Ashley said with a grin. Spencer just laughed in return and smiled as her girlfriend's hand found hers. "But really, Spence, I think it's just about Aiden. She's still not over it."_

_"Oh, so do I have competition?" Spencer joked._

_"Aiden? Please," Ashley replied. "He doesn't have a chance against you. No one ever will."_

_Spencer smiled and gently squeezed Ashley's hand. "So where to now?"_

_"My humble abode. My mom's in San Fran or something for the week, remember? We basically have the house to ourselves."_

_"Oh right...how could I forget the fact that no one should ever eat dinner on your dining room table ever again?" Spencer replied._

_"You know you liked it," Ashley said._

_"I did. Very much so. In fact, you should tell about more of your fantasies," Spencer said with a laugh. "You're too weird."_

_"And you're too gorgeous for me not to be."_

_"Where's Kyla at? I definitely don't want her walking in on something like she did last week. God, I've never been so embarassed in my life!" Spencer said._

_"At least we were still semi-dressed! That girl needs to learn how to knock. She's staying with Jason...I guess they're getting pretty serious."_

_"Are you okay with that?"_

_"Yeah, she's a big girl. Okay, enough talk about her. Let's focus on us and the bottle of Cuervo, the limes and the salt just waiting for us," Ashley said as she drove her car past the front gates leading to her house._

_"Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?" Spencer asked._

_Ashley looked at her for a moment before saying, "okay, that was too confusing for me to understand because I'm a little tipsy."_

_"Mmm, me too. When don't you carry a flask?"_

_Ashley smirked and said, "only when I'm naked and we're..."_

_Before she could finish, Spencer laughed and ran out of the car. "You'll have to catch me if you think you're getting any tonight!" Spencer yelled back. Ashley laughed and sprinted from her car. She tackled Spencer after she'd opened the front door. Ashley grabbed Spencer's arms and held them above her head before straddling her. Spencer's breath caught in her throat when Ashley brushed her lips against hers._

_"Let's do some shots," Ashley whispered against Spencer's ear._

_"Mmm, I love your husky little sexy voice," Spencer said before trying to kiss her. Ashley grinned and released Spencer's arms and then helped her to her feet. "Even if you're saying something like 'let's do some shots.'"_

_Spencer followed Ashley into the kitchen and sat on the stool while Ashley pulled the bottle of tequila from under the sink and grabbed the limes from the fridge. "Now Spence, I know you try to act all innocent, but please tell me you've done a tequila shot before."_

_"I'm not telling," Spencer said with a smile. She walked behind Ashley as she cut the limes into wedges. Spencer wrapped her arms around Ashley's waist. "So I guess you'll just have to show me," Spencer whispered into her ear, close enough that her lips playfully touched her skin. She felt Ashley tremble slightly, so she kissed the sensitive spot below her earlobe. With this, Ashley audibly moaned, so Spencer slid her hands underneath the brunette's shirt and traced circles on her toned stomach._

_"Shit Spence," Ashley finally managed to say. "Here I am, trying to cut limes with a very sharp knife and you decide this is the perfect moment to make my knees want to buckle."_

_Spencer smiled against Ashley's bare shoulder and said, "hmm, and I'm not even trying that hard."_

_"Okay, before I decide to take you right here on the floor, grab the tequila and head up to my room," Ashley said, waiting for the heat between her legs to subside. But it didn't as usual, because Spencer was still near her._

_"Alright, babe," Spencer said as she grabbed the bottle. "But don't take too long. I love tequila."_

_"You lush," Ashley said as Spencer walked out of the kitchen. She then took a deep breath and grabbed the limes, two shot glasses and a plate of salt._

_When Ashley walked into her room, Spencer was nowhere in sight. "Spence? Where are you, babe?" Ashley asked. She was then struck silent as Spencer walked out from her closet in nothing but a black lace bra and black boy cut underwear._

_"I know you love black underwear and tequila, Ash. So 'let's do some shots,'" Spencer said with a seductive smile._

_"Uh, yeah, let's, yeah, do that then," Ashley replied._

_"Under one condition, babe."_

_"What's that?"_

_"Lose the shirt and jeans, we're doing body shots." Spencer answered._

_"Sweet jesus," was all Ashley could say. "You're enjoying this aren't you?" Ashley asked when Spencer caught her staring._

_"More than you'll ever know. Lose the clothes before I rip them off."_

_Ashley set the things she was carrying onto her nightstand as Spencer sat down on the edge of the bed. Ashley walked over in front of her and grabbed the hem of her shirt. "Two can play at this game, Spence," she said as she slowly inched her shirt up. Spencer couldn't help but stare as the brunette's barely exposed skin. Ashley moved closer to her and Spencer brought a hand up to rest on the girl's waist, but it was quickly slapped away. Ashley finished removing her shirt and threw it at Spencer's face. Spencer held the garment there for a moment, taking in Ashley's addicting scent._

_Ashley slowly unbuttoned her jeans and casually pushed them down her legs. She stepped out of them and sat in between Spencer's legs with her back against the other girl's stomach. She brought her hand up around the back of Spencer's neck as Spencer ran her lips against Ashley's shoulder. Spencer moaned when Ashley ran her hand up the length of her thigh._

_Just when Spencer had completely forgotten about the neglected tequila, Ashley stood up and grabbed the bottle from the bed. Spencer groaned in frustration and fell back onto the bed. "I told you," Ashley said with a victorious smile._

_"I could have just told you that you would have won. You didn't have to be such a tease," Spencer said as she grabbed a lime from the nightstand._

_"Oh, I'm the tease now?" Ashley inquired. "So when you were running your hand up my thigh during lunch, you weren't teasing me? When you slipped past the boundaries of my skirt and underwear, you weren't being a tease? I was actually trying to have a civil conversation with my sister."_

_Spencer laughed and replied with, "watching you squirm had to have been the highlight of the school day. But I'll have you know that sending me dirty texts in history class is teasing too."_

_"That class is history? Good to know. I was too busy replaying the quickie we had before school yesterday in my mind to notice I guess," Ashley replied._

_"I swear all you think about is sex," Spencer said playfully._

_"And you...and sex with you...and how your body feels against mine...and the shock that your kiss always sends through my body...and..."_

_"And I'm glad I'm wearing black underwear," Spencer said with a laugh. She handed a shot of tequila to Ashley and said, "will you be the first to do the honors?"_

_"Of course, baby," Ashley said, taking the shot from her, placing it on the nighstand and pushing Spencer back against the bed. Spencer took a lime from the nearby plate and held it in her mouth as Ashley licked her neck. Her breath hitched when Ashley's mouth remained there, nipping and sucking at the spot._

_"Ash," Spencer said quietly._

_"Hmm?" Ashley replied from her spot on Spencer's neck._

_"Please do it, before I go crazy."_

_Ashley smiled as she rubbed salt against her newly marked territory and grabbed the shot from the nightstand. She licked the salt Spencer's neck, took down the Cuervo, and removed the lime from Spencer's mouth with her own. After biting down on the lime, she took it from her mouth and squeezed it, letting the juice drip down to Spencer's chest. "Oops, let me get that for you."_

_Spencer couldn't help but run her hands through her girlfriend's hair before deciding on getting a little revenge. She quickly brought her leg up between Ashley's and laughed when the girl nearly collapsed on top of her from the sudden contact._

_"Oh, you think you're just so smooth, don't you?" Ashley asked as she rolled off of Spencer._

_"A modern day maverick," Spencer said while filling the glass again. She then decided to one up Ashley once again. She smiled before licking the exposed part of Ashley's left breast._

_"Mmm, Spence, I don't know how many more of these I can do before forcing myself on you."_

_Spencer just grinned in return and rubbed a little salt on Ashley. She then placed the lime between Ashley's teeth. Spencer caught her off guard once again when she poured the tequila into her belly button. Ashley couldn't do anything but lay there and anticipate the feel of Spencer's tongue against her body._

_Spencer sucked the salt from Ashley's chest before moving on to suck the tequila from her navel. She then traced a trail of kisses up Ashley's body before taking the lime from her mouth into her own. She quickly pulled the lime from her mouth and brushed her lips against Ashley's. She loved the feel of her hot breath against them. Ashley took Spencer's lower lip into her mouth, gently sucking and biting. Spencer whimpered before deepening the kiss and running her tongue against Ashley's bottom lip, begging for entrance._

_Ashley could taste the tequila and spiced rum from earlier, but she could still taste Spencer. The taste she longed for when the girl wasn't near her. Spencer's hand found her breast and her back arched in response to the touch. Spencer moved down to her neck, nipping at the pulse point she found while knowing that it would send Ashley into overdrive. She assumed right because it wasn't long until Spencer found herself on her back, with Ashley reaching around Spencer's back to remove her bra._

_Spencer's hands slowly moved from Ashley's waist to her back to unclasp her bra after Ashley practically tore hers off and threw it to some unknown place. Ashley gasped when Spencer's hands found her newly exposed breasts and leaned into the touch. It was then that Ashley realized that Spencer was grinding against the knee placed between her legs. Ashley smiled when Spencer raised her hips as she slipped off the girl's last piece of clothing._

_Spencer bit her bottom lip as Ashley slowly rubbed her fingers over Spencer's wetness. It wasn't long before a barely audible, "Ash, fuck me," slipped from her mouth. Ashley did as she was told, carefully slipping two fingers inside her girlfriend and slowly curling them in and out of her. Ashley couldn't help but gasp as Spencer pushed her underwear aside and slipped two fingers inside her as well. Their movements became synched together until Spencer's body jerked and she breathed Ashley's name into the other girl's ear. Ashley looked at the blonde's face as she came and it brought her over the edge._

_Ashley collapsed on top of Spencer and they laid there. The room was spinning, but it was impossible for them to tell if it was from the alcohol or their previous activity._

_"I love you, Spence," Ashley whispered into the girl's neck._

_"I love you more than anything, Ash. More than life itself. And I will never get tired of this."_


	7. The Hope I Hide Inside

The next morning, Spencer groggily walked into the kitchen where Kyla was making coffee. She hopped up onto the counter and Kyla handed her a mug.

"Morning, sunshine," Kyla greeted.

"Morning," Spencer mumbled.

"Hungover much?"

Spencer grinned lazily and said, "a little. Why are you so chipper?"

Kyla held up her cup and stated, "third cup."

"Good God, Ky...so what are you in the mood for today?" Spencer asked, taking a sip.

"Well, I figure we could go through that box...and then go get you a little kitty or something!" Kyla said excitedly.

"Oh, no, Kyla. I _hate_ cats."

"Oookay...a puppy, then!" Kyla said with an amused clap. "What's your favorite kind of dog?"

"I _love_ Yorkshire Terriers!" Spencer exclaimed.

"You're kidding me, right?"

"No...oh, come on, they're so small and cute!"

Kyla replied with, "I heard a woman say that about a pair of shoes the other day. Seriously, Spence, why not a Golden Retriever or something?"

"I don't like big dogs," Spencer stated.

"Fine, fine...so where's that box?" Kyla asked, looking around.

"It's on the coffee table in the living room," the blonde responded.

"Well, let's get to it, blondie!"

-----

_"Hey, blondie," Ashley said huskily as she crawled towards Spencer on the bed._

_"Nuh uh, no sex 'til you finish your essay, babe," Spencer stated. "Your professor already gave you an extension."_

_Ashley grabbed the book Spencer was reading and placed it on the nightstand. She straddled the blonde and pushed her further back against the headboard. "But fuck, Spence, you're so hot when you concentrate."_

_"Nope, not gonna budge," Spencer replied with a shake of her head._

_Ashley responded by grabbing the Spencer's hands and running them up her thighs to her sides and finally resting on her breasts. "Spence, come on, you've had me turned on all day. I had to watch you make me lunch in those little soccer shorts and that tight tank top and then you came back from your run all sweaty and hot...you've been driving me nuts."_

_"I guess you shouldn't have put off your paper then, huh?" Spencer said with a coy smile, giving her girlfriend's breasts a light squeeze before pulling her hands away._

_"You're cruel. You just wait and see what happens the next time you're horny!" Ashley said, getting off of the blonde. _

_"Oh, please," Spencer said, reaching for her book._

_"I'm going to go take a cold shower," Ashley stated, defeated._

_Spencer waited until she heard the water begin running before she got off of the bed and quietly slipped into the bathroom. She stripped down to nothing and carefully opened the shower door. Before Ashley could turn around, Spencer grabbed her hips and pressed a wet kiss on the brunette's shoulder, biting down slightly._

_"I'm sorry, baby," the blonde said, running her lips over the bite mark._

-----

Spencer opened the box once again and she and Kyla merely sat next to each other staring at the contents of the box. Kyla reached in and picked up Ashley's Sidekick cell phone and simply held it in her hands.

"She really never did anywhere without this," the brunette said sadly.

"Or this," Spencer said while reaching in to grab Ashley's wallet. She opened it, pulled out the older girl's driver's license and ran her finger over the picture. "God, even her license photo is beautiful. You should see mine, I look like a fat Chinese woman," the blonde said with a laugh.

"How is that even possible?" Kyla asked, chuckling.

"I don't even know. I asked the lady if I could take a new one and she just laughed at me!" Spencer replied. "Bitch..."

"Oh hey, what's this?" Kyla questioned, pulling out the key ring.

"I'd never seen those before yesterday. But one of the keys has an engraving on it," Spencer replied, reaching for the keys. She flipped them around until she saw the engraving on the last one. "Ninety-three, L.A.P.S. Do you have any idea what that means?"

"Actually, I might."

"Well?" Spencer asked nervously.

"Los Angeles Public Storage. It's off Clinton," Kyla said. "I used to go to the Starbuck's across the street all the time. I mean, I'm not one hundred percent sure that it's what it's for...but do you want to go stop by?"

Spencer paused for a second before saying, "yeah. I think I need to."

"Did Ashley ever mention putting anything in storage?"

"Nothing besides where she stored her cars sometimes," the blonde replied.

"Okay, here's the plan. We go shower and the whatnot, find a suitable puppy and then check out the mysteries possibilities of what this key holds," Kyla said, standing up from the couch.

"Okay, sounds great," Spencer replied with a smile.

"But hey, Spence, keep in mind that it could be nothing, okay? I don't mean to sound so crude, but..."

"I understand, Kyla," Spencer said with a sad nod.

-----

_"Let's get a puppy, babe," Ashley said, resting her head in Spencer's lap._

_"Are you sure? I mean, we're both usually pretty busy and you aren't always here," the blonde replied while running her fingers through Ashley's dark curls. "And I couldn't take it home. Glen's allergic to dander."_

_"And manners," Ashley quipped. "Okay, gorgeous. But maybe one day?"_

_"Definitely," Spencer responded. She traced the pad of her thumb along Ashley's cheek bone and said, "you're so beautiful, Ash."_

_"Not like you," the brunette stated, taking Spencer's hand and kissing each of her knuckles._

-----

"Oh, this one is fucking adorable! Look, Spencer!" Kyla exclaimed as she took the animal out of it's play area.

"That's a bunny, Kyla," Spencer replied.

"So? What, do you have a thing against bunnies?" Kyla asked, faking offense.

"They bite," Spencer simply stated.

Kyla was quick to set the rabbit back in it's area, "oh, ho, little buddy. You can keep your sharp ass teeth to yourself."

"Can I help you?" A young attractive woman asked.

"Um, yeah, we're looking for a Yorkshire Terrier," Spencer answered.

"Follow me," the girl said.

Kyla elbowed the blonde and whispered, "she's cute, Spence. Ask her out!"

Spencer smiled and shook her head, "she's not my type."

"Over here, we have two females and one male. They're six week old pure breds," the girl stated.

"The one in the middle is _so_ cute!" Kyla said with an excited clap.

"Can I hold that one?" Spencer asked.

"Sure," the sales associate said while opening the glass door and reaching in for the pup. "Here you go. This one's the male."

Spencer took the puppy from her and pulled him to her chest. "I'll take him," she said after a minute or two.

"Yay!" Kyla said. "Now quit hogging him. Give him here!"

"Okay, you hold him while I go take care of everything," Spencer said, handing her the dog and walking towards the register.

"So, you'll need a leash, some bowls, food and grooming supplies, am I right?"

"Correct," Spencer said with a nod.

-----

_"Okay, babe, I need a 3/8 wrench," Ashley said from beneath the car._

_"You could have someone do this for you, you know," Spencer said from behind her magazine._

_"Just give me the wrench, gorgeous," the brunette replied, sliding out on the creeper from underneath the BMW. Spencer placed the tool in Ashley's hand and as she slid back, she said, "yeah, you're right, I could. But I like this stuff, babe, it makes me feel normal, you know? Like I'm similar to every other person who's had to change their own oil."_

_"Respectable," Spencer said, now distracted by Ashley's flexing abdominal muscles that were peeking out from beneath her scrunched up tank top. She placed her magazine on the work bench next to her and continued staring at the brunette's stomach._

_"Spencer? Did you hear me, babe?" _

_"Huh? Uh, no, sorry. What'd you say?" Spencer asked._

_"I said if I ever become like Paris Hilton, I want you to take me out back and shoot me in the face," Ashley replied._

_"Will do," Spencer said, half-heartedly paying attention to what her girlfriend was saying. Ashley grunted as she finally freed the bolt she was working on and that was the final straw for the blonde. She stood from the stool she was occupying and as Ashley rolled out once more, the blonde surprised her by straddling her waist. "You're really fucking sexy when you're dirty."_

_Ashley wrapped her hands in Spencer's hair as she ravaged her neck and pushed her hands up her sides below her shirt. "Fuck, Spence, you really know how to get a girl goin', don't ya?"_


	8. Like An Ocean

"What are you going to name him, Spence?" Kyla asked.

"Gunther," Spencer said after a moment of contemplation.

"Gunther? Do you want your one pound dog to get beat up at the dog park?"

"I've always wanted a little dog with a big name. He'll be able to take care of himself, won't ya baby?" Spencer said, giving the puppy a kiss on the head.

"Oh God. He's going to end up being ass-raped by Bubba the bulldog," Kyla stated.

"Oh, shut up, Kyla," Spencer replied, slapping the brunette on the arm.

"So, task one of today is complete. So we'll take _Gunther_ home and then we're off to Clinton Street!" Kyla said while accelerating her Lexus.

-----

_"I hate my mom!" Ashley heard, soon followed by the sound of her front door slamming shut._

_"I'm in my room, Spence," she called out._

_"God, she's a fucking bitch, Ash," the blonde said while walking through Ashley's bedroom door._

_"Why, babe?"_

_Spencer sighed and laid down next to the brunette on her bed. "We had another fight."_

_"About what, gorgeous?" Ashley asked as Spencer buried her face in her neck and draped an arm across her stomach._

_Spencer inhaled deeply and answered, "you."_

_"Ah, yes. Ashley the Terrible," the brunette stated._

_"Can I stay the night?" Spencer asked._

_"You know you don't even have to ask, baby," Ashley reminded her, tucking a stray lock of her behind her girlfriend's ear._

_"I love you, Ashley."_

_"I love you too, beautiful. More than you know," the brunette replied._

-----

As Kyla and Spencer entered the building, they gave each other hopeful looks. Spencer took the key from her purse and walked to the front counter. "Excuse me, ma'am, does this key open a storage unit here?"

The kind-looking woman whose name tag read 'Doris' gently took the key from Spencer's hand and examined it. "Yes, this key belongs to one of our long-term storage units."

"Well, um, my girlfriend went missing three years ago and, uh, this was one of the last things known to be in her possession," Spencer carefully explained.

"Your girlfriend's name, miss?" The woman asked.

"Ashley Davies," Spencer replied.

"I'll check the system," Doris stated.

Kyla stepped up to the counter and asked, "is there any way you could check the last time the unit was opened?"

"Of course, all of the units are electronically monitored. Okay, let's see...Ashley Davies, unit 93 on the second floor. Five years pre-paid...the unit was last accessed on July 23rd, 2007," she said, looking at the computer screen.

"Can I--um, can I open it?" Spencer asked timidly.

"Well, your name isn't on the contract so usually I couldn't let you, but considering the circumstances, I believe you should," the woman said with a sympathetic smile.

Spencer thanked her and she and Kyla headed for the elevator. As soon as they stepped inside, Kyla pushed the second floor button.

"You all right, Spence? Are you sure you want to do this?"

Spencer looked around nervously and responded, "yeah, Ky. I think."

Kyla reached over and took the blonde's hand. "We'll do this together, okay? You're not alone anymore, Spencer."

-----

_"What can I do to make you feel better, baby?" Spencer said into the phone._

_"Teleport home?" Ashley offered._

_"I'll try, babe. Only two more days!" Spencer said while flipping through her keys, trying to find the right one._

_"Stupid fuckin' conferences...what does San Francisco have that L.A. doesn't?" Ashley said. "As much as I love your voice, I'd rather have you next to me."_

_"Two days isn't that long, Ash," the blonde said, silently congratulating herself finding the right key._

_"It is when I haven't seen you in a week! Tell me you're as wound up as I am," Ashley said into the receiver. "I've been in my studio for like two days trying to get my mind off of it."_

_"That's why I left early," Spencer said from behind the brunette._

_"Spencer? Oh my God, you sneaky little bastard," Ashley said, standing up from the seat in front of the mixing board and rushing over to her girlfriend. Spencer immediately pulled Ashley in for a passionate kiss. Ashley wrapped her arms around the blonde's waist and slid her hands up Spencer's back underneath her shirt._

_"Shit, Ash...bedroom?"_

_"No," Ashley growled into Spencer's neck. "I want to fuck you in my studio."_

-----

Spencer stopped in front of the red door and held her breath. She traced her fingers over the jagged edges of the key and then bent down to slide into the lock. She pushed the overhead door up and Kyla flipped the light on. Two lone office boxes sat about six feet in front of them.

"Okay, you grab the top one and I'll get the second. We'll open them at the same time, okay, Spence?" Kyla said.

Spencer nodded and walked over to the boxes. She picked up the top one and placed it on the floor. Kyla walked up beside her and placed her hands on the lid of the second box.

"One, two," Spencer paused, "three."

They both slowly lifted the lids off and when Spencer saw what was inside, she instantly felt tears stinging her eyes. Inside her box were Ashley's Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers records. She looked to Kyla and the brunette lifted her box to show its contents to Spencer. Inside the box Kyla opened were their father's records.

Spencer swallowed hard and a tear slid down her cheek. "Kyla, if Ashley were alive, she would have come back for these."

-----

_"Oh, fuck yes!" Ashley yelled, turning the radio up. "Tom Petty is God!"_

_Spencer watched as her girlfriend danced around in the driver's seat._

_"'Cause I'm free, I'm free fallin'," Ashley sang to her. _

_The blonde smiled when her girlfriend reached over and took her hand, entwining their fingers._

_"I love you, Spencer!" Ashley shouted over the music._


	9. Off My Shoulders

"How are you today, Spencer?"

"I don't know, Dr. Foster," she replied. "To be honest, I'm feeling a little unstable."

"Why do believe you're unstable?"

"Um, on Saturday, a deputy stopped by my house and dropped off the box with all of Ashley's things in it. He's been holding it for the past two and a half years; since Christine had Ashley pronounced legally deceased. I'd been putting it off. I was afraid that opening that box would make it real. That seeing and touching the things Ashley never went anywhere without would finally set everything into motion," Spencer said while shifting her eyes across the floor.

"Have you opened the box, Spencer?"

The blonde took a deep breath and replied, "yes."

"Did it set everything into motion?" Dr. Foster asked.

"Yes."

"What was in the box?"

"Her Sidekick, wallet, some clothes and a set of keys," Spencer answered.

"Car keys?"

"Actually, no. One was for a storage unit. Needless to say, I found the unit and opened it," she said. "Her missing records were in there."

"Did that bring you the closure you've been searching for?"

"I haven't been looking for closure, doctor. My mother, as usual, was deadset on me getting over Ashley," she replied. "They didn't have the best relationship. I mean, there were a few points in time when they got along just fine, but then my mother would randomly make some snide comment at dinner or something. Ashley was rather sensitive about being accepted by my family since hers was the definition of dysfunctional."

"It seems you harbor some resentment towards your mother, Spencer. Were the two of you close at one point in time?" Dr. Foster asked.

"Yeah, before we moved out here. But then she became this crazy religious hypocrite and when our family began falling apart, she blamed my homosexuality and Ashley's influence on me," Spencer replied. "I think she had a mid-life crisis, really. My mom should be the one in therapy...I swear I don't even want to know what goes through her mind at times. But she would be so nice to Ash for maybe a week and then turn into this...bitch. There were times when I wanted to slap her because of the rude things she would say to Ash.

"Ashley just sat there and took it sometimes, too. I would watch her jaw clench and I could tell she was swallowing the things she wanted to say. I know she did it for my sake. But every now and then, Ashley would just let it out. Then my mother would tell me that now that I've seen how terrible Ash could be, I should leave her; find a good man to settle down with. My mom is one of those people that believes true love only exists between a man and a woman. But Ashley treated me so wonderfully. She was so thoughtful, so caring...those last few months were just a rift in our lives, brought on by the stress my mother caused both of us and work and school.

"So I guess you could say I harbor resentment towards her. She didn't exactly make my life easy," Spencer said. "She didn't exactly make Ashley's life easier."

-----

_"So, Ashley, have you decided on a major yet?" Paula asked before taking a sip of her wine._

_"Not yet, Paula," Ashley replied around a bite of steak. "I'm trying to keep my options open."_

_"You don't know what you want to do with your life yet?" Paula quipped._

_"No, it's hard to decide. I love doing a lot of things," Ashley stated._

_"Well, it would be nice if my daughter could find someone a little more stable."_

_"Mom!" Spencer said. "What is wrong with you? Give it a fucking rest."_

_"Paula, Spencer is right. That was rude," Arthur said. "And watch your language, Spencer Carlin."_

_Ashley pushed the food on her plate around and sadly stated, "I love Spencer, Paula, and I love your family. I'm financially secure, I have a home and I'm healthy. I take care of your daughter the best I can because I really do love her more than anything. I think that should be enough."_

_"Well, sometimes it takes more than that," Paula stated._

_"That's it. Mom, I can't fucking deal with you. You're horrible to her," Spencer said. "She's my girlfriend. I love her, okay? Ashley Marie Davies is the love of my life. Nothing you do or say is going to change that. She makes me incredibly happy and you know what? Ashley is my one. Just leave it alone, okay? Leave it alone...for me."_

-----

"How did your mother react when she found out Ashley was missing?"

"She didn't say much at all. She seemed so apathetic. But after the first week, it finally kind of hit her. We still didn't talk about it. My dad is more relatable so I've always talked to him more," Spencer replied.

"How did you react?"

"Oh, God, I was a mess. A walking wreck. For a while, I couldn't go ten minutes without crying. Things gradually calmed down, but that dull, numbing ache never did," she answered. "The first six months are kind of a blur."

"Were you drinking heavily?"

"Actually, no. I knew better than to do that. My brother became addicted to Vicodin after a devastating knee injury when he was 18 and that kind of set an example for me," Spencer said. "It's just like I let time just pass me by. I was auto-pilot for a long time."

"Understandable."

"But seeing those records; touching them...it made everything so real," Spencer said, her voice wavering. "I finally understand that Ashley is gone. It hurts so badly, but there's nothing I can do but live anymore."

"Are you visiting the cemetery today?" Dr. Foster asked.

"It's Monday, so yes."

"Spencer, I believe maybe you decrease the number of your visits. Having a set time and day and making that commitment will hold you back. You'll be forced to think about it and plan around it and I believe you should begin going out there only when you feel you need to. Eventually, the need will fade. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I believe that is what's best for you," he stated.

-----

_"Maybe your mom is right, Spence. Maybe I'm not what's best for you," Ashley slurred._

_"How can you think that, baby?" Spencer said softly, taking Ashley's hand into her lap and playing with her fingers._

_"Because everything and everyone around me always falls apart because of me. I just want you to be happy, gorgeous. I want what's best for you, even if it's not me," Ashley replied._

_"You are what's best for me, Ashley, you are."_

_"We've been fighting a lot lately, babe. Sometimes I think you'd be much happier if it weren't for me," the brunette stated._

_"Ashley, come on, you're drunk. You make me happy, babe, no one else could ever make me this happy," Spencer replied. "I love you, Ashley. I can't live without you."_

_"'I can't live without you' is just a curse, Spence."_

_"Well, I don't want to live without you. We'll get past this little dry spell we've been having. We're soul mates, Ash."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yeah, baby," Spencer said, leaning up to lightly kiss her girlfriend. "Meant to be."_

_"I never want to hurt you, Spence," Ashley said, brushing her thumb along the blonde's jaw line. "But sometimes it's all I do."_

_"You're amazing. You just don't realize it, Ash."_


	10. Living in a Den of Thieves

"Rough day?" Kyla asked as Spencer set her purse and keys on the counter.

"Yeah," Spencer replied. "Rough three years to be honest."

"I feel ya there," Kyla replied before taking a bite into her freshly made sandwich. "Well, Gunther peed on the carpet like eight-thousand times. I think he's passed out on your bed right now."

Spencer chuckled. "What do you want to do for the rest of this lovely day?"

"Hmm...get drunk and sit in the hot tub," Kyla replied.

"Sounds fantastic, Ky."

-----

_"Okay, Spence, truth or dare?" Aiden asked, taking a swig from his beer bottle._

_"Um, truth," Spencer replied._

_"Are you loud?"_

_"What do you mean, 'am I loud?'" Spencer asked. She looked over to Ashley, who was giggling immensely._

_"You know, in the sack," Aiden stated. "Oh, wait...you look like more of a pillow biter!"_

_Spencer laughed and splashed the humored boy. "I can't believe you just asked me that!"_

_Glen sported a disgusted look. "Ah, come on, guys. I don't want to hear about my sister's sex life."_

_"Suck it up and drink your beer, Carlin," Aiden said. "You're behind by two."_

_"You have to tell the truth, Spencer!" Kyla exclaimed. _

_"I'm not saying," Spencer said with a coy smile._

_They all looked over to Ashley, who merely sported a large shit-eating grin and nodded. _

_"I knew it!" Aiden quipped. "So, have you guys ever done it in this hot tub?"_

_"Aiden!" Everyone yelled._

_-----_

"Do you remember when Ashley paid your brother seventy bucks to not tell your parents you went to that party?" Kyla asked.

"Ha, yeah," Spencer replied. "Oh, remember Aiden's Halloween party senior year?"

"And how Ashley thought the cop was one of Aiden's friends in a costume? Priceless...pure fucking priceless," Kyla stated. "God, how embarrassed were you?"

"Oh, well, I only had my shirtless girlfriend handcuffed to the bed," Spencer said, laughing.

"Serious question, Spence," Kyla said.

"Go for it."

"If Ashley were here, what do you think our lives would be like? How different would we be had she never disappeared?"

Spencer took a sip of her drink and said, "we'd be happy, Kyla."

"Yeah...sometimes I wish I could just go back and slap her, you know? As much as I miss my sister, I have to admit she was a fucking idiot at times."

Spencer chuckled and said, "at times?"

Kyla nodded, "okay, okay, all the time. That girl was fucking brilliant but she had no common sense whatsoever."

"Some of the things that made her Ashley. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone who comes close to her, but I don't think I was meant to. It's like Ashley was my one and I'm not supposed to ever forget that. But maybe I'm just insane after all these years," Spencer stated, finishing her drink and turning around to grab another from the cooler beside the hot tub.

"You just haven't given yourself the time to get over her. I don't mean that to sound so shitty, but it takes time, Spence, and you have all the time in the world, okay?"

-----

Spencer awoke to the sound of her doorbell ringing. She hesitantly got out of bed and walked to the front door.

"Mom? What are you doing here?" Spencer asked, hungover and half asleep.

"I'm here to talk, honey."

"About what? Don't you have some place to be? You know, like work?" Spencer asked.

"My shift ended early," Paula stated, walking past Spencer and into the living room.

"All right, fine," Spencer said, following her.

"I'm sorry about the things I said, Spencer," the older blonde said as she sat on the couch.

"It's fine, mom. I don't really care."

"I just want you to understand that I only want what's best for you. Sometimes things just come out wrong," Paula stated. "When you first told me that you were gay, all the dreams I had for you vanished. I wanted you to experience the same things I did. The joy of getting married and having children and being respected for those things in your career and such."

"Mom--"

"No, listen to me, Spencer. There's things I need to say. It frustrated me that you could never experience those things; the things that I've had the opportunity to experience. I suppose I just always took those frustrations out on Ashley. I was never accepting and for that, I'm truly sorry. And when Ashley disappeared, it frustrated me that I couldn't understand what you were going through like your father could, so I stayed away. I wanted to give you room to breathe, honey," Paula said. "I'm sorry I haven't been much of a mother of the past five years, Spencer. I'm sorry."

-----

_Spencer sat between Kyla and Aiden staring at the casket that should belong to her love. Aiden lovingly wrapped a strong, heavy arm around her shoulders while she took Kyla's hand. She drowned out Christine's emotionless voice as her life with Ashley flashed behind her eyes. Not long after Christine's oh-so-dramatic speech, Spencer stood and placed a single white rose on the mohagany casket. Aiden and Kyla soon followed with their own white roses and then the rest of the people attending the private ceremony draped red roses across the expensive wood._

_Spencer cried silently against Aiden's suit jacket as they lowered the coffin into the ground._

_-----_

"I heard what your mom said this morning," Kyla stated over her Chinese food.

"This is a good lunch, huh?" Spencer asked.

"Stop avoiding my statement," Kyla said with a laugh. "Do you think she meant it?"

Spencer finished chewing and replied, "yeah, but I don't really care."

"Why's that?"

"Because what's done is done, there are no takebacks in the game of life," the blonde said. "Or at least for the things she's done."

"True. Oh, I talked to Aiden this morning when you were in the shower. He's coming over on Friday because it's my last day here," the brunette said.

"Oh, good, I haven't seen him in forever! He always calls me at the worst times."

"That boy has the worst timing, that's why. Remember when he made Madison cry after her dog died because he bought the dog a new collar? I don't really know how that happened, but it was seriously hilarious," Kyla said, laughing.

"You're a terrible person, you know that?" Spencer said with a smile.

"Oh, I do."

Spencer stood from the couch, grabbed her remaining food and walked to the kitchen to put it in the fridge. "Well, I suppose I'm headed out to the cemetery since I didn't go on Monday. I'll be back around three, okay?"

"Okay. I'll keep the fort safe. Oh, hey, I saw that Range Rover again yesterday. Didn't come down the drive, just sat there for about half an hour. What should I do if I see it again?" Kyla said.

Spencer smiled and said, "well, there's a nine under my pillow and a shotgun under the bed. Go to town on those mo' fo's."

Kyla laughed and said, "shut the fuck up, Spencer. But seriously, should I call the cops or something?"

Spencer nodded and said a quick bye before grabbing her keys and heading out the door.

-----

Spencer sat on the grass in front of the headstone and inhaled deeply. "Dr. Foster says I should cut back on my time out here, but I don't think he's ever lost a significant other. Babe, I'm pretty sure everyone's starting to think I'm crazy. Well, my mom's thought that since the first time I brought you home, but still. I...maybe I am starting to lose touch a little. But suddenly it's hitting me harder than ever before."

She ignored the foot falls coming from somewhere behind her, assuming it was Rob, the head maintenance worker. He usually let her be.

"My mother stopped by and apologized for the way she treated you and I, can you believe that? She said it was because she was frustrated and that she mistakenly took those frustrations out on you. I'm sorry my mother's crazy, babe. Maybe that's where I get it from.

"Two and a half years, Ash. That's how long I've been coming to Brownstone Cemetery and I've sat on this patch of grass over two-hundred and sixty times. I thought it would get easier over time, but you know what? It hasn't. I haven't left California in three years...not even a vacation. I've always been afraid that the moment I left would be the moment you decided to come home and you would think that I had given up and left. And now I can't help but think that you might as well be in that coffin," Spencer said, choking back a sob.

"It's finally hitting me, baby. Everyone thinks I've finally come to the last stage of grief; acceptance. But every night before falling asleep, I still wish that the sound of you singing in the shower will wake me up in the morning. Every time I crawl into bed, I still pray that I'll be able to smell you on the sheets. I still hope that when I open the front door, you'll be there to greet me with a long overdue kiss," the blonde stated, wiping at her cheeks. "But you know what? I finally know you won't be waiting and I won't ever hear your voice or ever smell your scent again...but I'll still be in that place because there is no getting over you."

Spencer traced her fingers over the inscribed name and couldn't stop the fresh rush of tears. "God, Ash, I miss your voice and how it always gave you away. How when you were turned on it was all husky and when you were upset or sorry it was shaky and how when you were trying to hide a surprise, you would just talk and talk and talk. How I could tell how hurt and distraught you were by the last things you ever said to me. God, I just wish...fuck, I'm just stuck with wishes now.

"Kyla's a godsend, you know that? It's so bittersweet having her around. She shares your bright personality and wit and I can't help but wish that your dad was still alive so I could thank him for bringing two amazing people into the world. But that's life, babe, and now it's mine. I'm going to say this is the last time I pray that you come back to me, but we both know I'll still pray every day. I just want you to come home, Ashley. I know there's a extremely slim possibility that'll ever happen, but come back to me," Spencer said while burying her face in her hands. "Please, baby, I love you. Come back to me."

"I'm sorry it's taken me so long, Spencer," a shaky voice said from behind her.


	11. Cliff Notes Words from the Overhang

Spencer froze and she swore her heart had stopped for at least two seconds. Her eyes widened and her breathing became shallow. She was torn between turning around and being let down or staying right where she was to keep the illusion alive. 'I'm officially crazy,' she thought to herself. Suddenly, a warm hand grasped her shoulder. The blonde closed her eyes and let the hand turn her around. When she opened her eyes, full, brown eyes of the most beautiful woman she'd ever seen met hers. Spencer's hand flew to her mouth in an attempt to muffle her gasp.

"Ashley," Spencer breathed out. Ashley's hair was straight, but her skin was still radiantly bronzed. Reality sunk in soon after and Spencer couldn't stop the rush of tears. She felt her knees weaken and she was soon enveloped in warm, strong arms. She inhaled Ashley's scent deeply and a sob followed.

Spencer pulled back to meet the brunette's eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, but Ashley cut her off. "God, you've only grown more beautiful."

Suddenly, Spencer pulled out of her arms and Ashley wasn't shocked when she felt the blonde's hand connect roughly with her cheek. "Ashley, how could you..."

"Spence, listen--"

"No! Where the fuck have you been, Ashley?" Spencer cried. The blonde pushed Ashley away and when Ashley stepped forward to envelop her again, Spencer frantically pushed her fists into the brunette's chest. "How could you, Ashley? How could you just leave me like that?"

"Baby, please, listen to me," Ashley said. She watched as sobs wracked Spencer's body and she felt tears sting her eyes. Spencer finally let her wrap her arms around her waist and as Spencer's knees gave out, Ashley slowly lowered them into a sitting position on the hard ground. "Spencer, I never wanted to leave. I thought I was doing what was best, but I was only doing what I do best; being selfish."

Spencer's body sank fully into Ashley's arms and she continued. "I told myself I wouldn't come back until I knew I was more of the things you deserve."

"Ash," Spencer whispered hoarsely. "God, I've fucking missed you."

-----

"PRADA, Gunther!" Kyla exclaimed, holding the soiled purse over the sink. "This purse is Prada! I can't believe it, you little monster! I swear if you piss on anything one more time, I'll--fuck, I won't do anything, but still!"

The dog merely looked up at Kyla.

"You're lucky I don't own your little ass," she said. "Or you'd be sharing a cage with Fernando the doberman at the pound...and he'd probably think your ass was pretty cute."

The doorbell ringing knocked Kyla out of her little rant. She opened the door and was met with a face she hadn't seen in over a year.

"Glen?"

"Hey, Kyla," he said surprised. "I totally forgot you were in town this week. Is Spencer home?"

"Um, no, she's not," Kyla replied. "She's at the cemetery."

"Oh..."

"Hey, wait, I didn't hear the driveway sensor go off," Kyla said, more to herself than Glen.

"Oh, yeah," Glen said with a chuckle. "I like to park my car at the end of the lane so I can walk up here and jump over the sensor. I usually go around knocking on random windows and shit. She gets so scared!"

"Still an ass, I see," the brunette replied with a smile.

-----

Ashley took a deep breath to try to stop her own tears. "Words can't describe how much I've missed you, gorgeous."

Spencer turned slightly to wrap her arms around Ashley's waist. "You still smell so incredible."

"Did you mean those things, Spence?"

"What things?"

Ashley paused. "What you were saying before I finally let you know I was there."

"Yeah," Spencer simply replied.

Ashley tightened her grip on the blonde and replied, "three years, Spencer. Three years and there wasn't a time that you weren't on my mind; I want you to know that. It's like that Jack's Mannequin song--there's a piece of you in every single second of every single day."

Spencer smiled a bit when Ashley began rubbing her arm like she used to.

"And I want you to know, gorgeous, that for those three years, I was still yours. Every day, hour, and second. Yours, baby," Ashley said, kissing Spencer's forehead.

-----

_"Tell me a secret," Spencer whispered against Ashley's neck._

_"Hmm, okay...I can remember the exact moment I fell in love with you," Ashley replied._

_"Tell me," Spencer said, this time pressing a kiss to the brunette's skin._

_"I knew I was attracted to you in this crazy way in the first place," Ashey stated. "Just something about you, gorgeous...but it was when I was walking up to the gym entrance when you made me come to the dance. I looked at you and that was it. Ashley Davies was done for."_

_Spencer smiled and slipped her fingers just under the hem of Ashley's shirt to trace patterns on her lower stomach. "That was when I knew, too."_

_"Wanna hear another secret?" Ashley asked, pressing a kiss to Spencer's forehead and tracing her fingers up and down the blonde's upper arm._

_"Mmhmm."_

_"I love the way you smell," Ashley said. "I love when I can smell you on my clothes, my bed and in my car."_

_"Tell me another," the blonde replied._

_Ashley smiled and placed another kiss to Spencer's forehead. "I love when you run your fingers across my stomach and I love when we lay in my bed like this."_

_"I love when you call me gorgeous," Spencer said._

_Ashley ran her finger's through her girlfriend's hair as she said, "you are gorgeous, baby. I belong to the most beautiful girl in the world."_

-----

"So, um, Glen, why exactly are you here?" Kyla asked, pouring herself a cup of orange juice.

"I don't want to get your hopes up, Kyla," Glen said as she nervously shifted on the stool he was currently occupying. "But some like die-hard Raife Davies fan came into the station earlier today stating that she'd seen Ashley in her hotel parking lot. It was crazy, she was like running around screaming, 'Ashley Davies isn't dead! She's not dead!'"

Kyla gently placed her glass on the counter without ever taking her eyes off of Glen.

"What do you personally think?" Kyla asked quietly.

"Personally, I think the lady is a God damn nut job."

Kyla leaned her weight on the counter. "What if she's right?"

"Kyla, it's been three years," Glen said sadly. "Usually after forty-eight hours, all chances of finding someone are gone."

-----

"Ashley," Spencer stated.

"Hmm?"

"I just wanted to hear you answer," Spencer said, inhaling the scent of Ashley's hair and tightening her grip on the petite girl. "Where do we go from here?"

"I don't know, gorgeous," Ashley replied, stroking Spencer's hair. "But we'll figure it out, okay?"

"Promise to tell me where the hell you've been and what you've been doing?"

Ashley slightly pulled out of the embrace to look at the blonde. "I promise, Spence."

-----

_"We just graduated high school!" Spencer said excitedly after commencement ended._

_Ashley pulled her into a tight hug and spun her around. "I can't believe I actually made it!"_

_Spencer finally found her footing and pulled away to look at Ashley. She ran her thumb across Ashley's cheek and said, "you're beautiful."_

_"Not like you," Ashley said, taking Spencer's hand and pressing a kiss to her palm._

_"You're too sweet, you know that?"_

_Ashley smiled brightly and placed a chaste kiss on Spencer's lips. "Only for you, gorgeous."_

_"I love you," Spencer said with a wide smile._

_"I loved you first," Ashley said, making a face._

_Spencer scoffed and said, "no way!"_

_"Way."_

_"Nope!"_

_"Fine, we loved each other at the same time," the brunette said, placing a sweet kiss on Spencer's cheek. "I got you something."_

_"Oh, really? What?"_

_"Come on, it's in my car," Ashley said, taking the blonde's hair and leading her away._

_"But my parents--"_

_"We'll find them when we're done, come on!" Ashley said excitedly._

_When they reached Ashley's car, she opened the door and pulled out a heavy, flat object covered in wrapping paper. _

_Spencer quickly tore the paper off, revealing a plaque. "What is it, Ash?"_

_"It's your star," the brunette replied._

_"You remembered..."_

_Ashley smiled and said, "I promised I would."_

_"God, I've wanted my own star since I was like six," Spencer said, her eyes still scanning over the frame in awe. "I love it, baby."_

_"Good, because I love you."_


	12. The Runaway

Kyla remembered Spencer sobbing in Ashley's bed. She remembered Spencer sitting on the balcony and staring at the ocean for hours. She remembered Spencer playing Ashley's favorite cds repetitively for weeks. Kyla remembered because she was there. And now as Kyla sat next to Glen on the couch talking about what they could do to help his baby sister and her best friend, she couldn't help but wish she could go back in time.

"Maybe a blind date?" Glen offered. "There's this new transfer in my department...she's gorgeous; heard she's gay, too."

"Or a strip club?" Kyla joked. "Maybe some boobies will cheer her up."

Glen chuckled. "Maybe dating or 'boobies' aren't what she needs. How about a vacation? The girl's been in Cali for the past...God, like forever, it seems."

"Hmm...yeah. Maybe Madrid?" Kyla said.

"Or Amsterdam!" Glen said excitedly. "We could get her stoned and drink Absinth and--"

"Aren't you supposed to be a police officer?"

"Well, yeah, but I wouldn't be one in _Amsterdam_!" Glen replied.

------

"Ashley?" Spencer said, her arms still wrapped around the brunette.

"Yeah, Spence?"

"Kyla's at the house..."

Ashley pulled her head back and looked down at her, running her fingers through blonde hair. "Good, I have some explaining to do and I'd rather her be there."

"I don't want to get up," Spencer said quietly.

"Neither do I, babe, but I think we have to."

------

"Oh, the worst part was when the brother and sister made out," Glen stated.

"No, the worst part in 'Euro Trip' was the nudist beach scene. The full frontal of that old guy was fucking gross!" Kyla argued, but was prevented from speaking further when the driveway sensor went off.

"I guess Spence is home, huh?" Glen said.

"Yeah," the brunette replied. "Should we tell her about that lady?"

"Let's not," Glen said, "it might get her hopes up."

"True," Kyla stated.

They soon heard Spencer's Porsche entering the garage. Soon after that, they heard another car pull into the lane.

"Was that another car?" Kyla asked, reaching for the remote.

"Sounded like it," Glen replied.

Kyla turned on the security channel and saw the black Range Rover she'd seen at the end of the lane over the previous days sitting in front of the garage. She dropped the remote when the driver emerged from the vehicle. She looked just like her sister.

"Is that--" Glen began.

"Fucking hell," Kyla interrupted, before getting off the couch and sprinting towards the door leading to the garage.

------

Spencer walked to Ashley and the brunette wrapped her arms around her. "You okay, gorgeous?"

"Yeah," Spencer quietly replied.

Then, the door to the left of them swung open and a very angry looking Kyla emerged. Spencer turned around as Kyla brushed past her, heading straight for her sister. Glen soon came flying out the door.

"Kyla, wait--" Ashley began, but was cut off by a swift slap across the face.

"Ashley fucking Davies! Where the fuck have you been? What the fuck is wrong with you?" Kyla yelled.

"Let me explain," Ashley replied quickly.

"God damnit, Ashley! Do you have any idea what you've done? Do you have any idea the hell everyone you knew went through? God, I've thought you were dead for the past three fucking years! And as happy as I am to see you standing in front of me right now, I'm still really fucking pissed off!" Kyla exclaimed, tears running freely down her face.

Glen stood next to his sister with a look of complete shock on his face. "Spencer, is that really her?"

"Yeah, Glen," Spencer replied, also crying. "It is."

Ashley stood in front of Kyla, barely holding onto her composure. Kyla was fuming. She was sure Spencer was in shock. "Something happened," Ashley simply stated, finally losing her bearings and letting her tears fall. She looked over to Spencer. "God, I wish you knew how badly I wanted to come back, but something happened."

"What, Ashley? What happened that was so terrible it kept you from coming back?" Kyla whispered, her voice hoarse from screaming.

"I--I was driving home one night, I don't remember anything. But they told me I must have lost control...I wrapped my Porsche around a tree. I was in a medically-induced coma for six months. It happened a month and a half after I left. I guess I just needed to get away for a while, I had all intentions of coming back," Ashley said, nearly sobbing.

"I fractured my skull and my jaw. I broke my femur and ankle and arm and--God, my wrists," Ashley said, as she lifted her shirt sleeve to show the scars from her reconstructive surgeries. "I couldn't remember much at all when I woke up, but I eventually pieced everything back together with the exception of the entire month before the accident. I was in that hospital for a long fucking time. They had to put a fucking steel rod in my leg and arm and totally reconstruct my wrists. It took so long to recover, I wanted to come back, I swear to God I tried like hell."

Kyla's jaw had dropped. Glen was still looking around, trying to figure out if this was really happening. Spencer walked toward Ashley and wrapped her arms around her waist to pull her into a hug. As she let Ashley sob onto her shoulder, she reached back and took Kyla's hand into her own.

"Wait," Glen said. "If you were in the hospital, how come they didn't contact anyone?"

Ashley looked up at him and said, "I had pretty extensive fake documentation. No one there figured out who I actually was."

"And they say there isn't faults in the medical system," Glen said.

"It was Germany, Glen," Ashley replied. "No one knew who Ashley Davies was over there."

"What was your name?" Kyla asked randomly.

"Amanda Musgrave," Ashley replied.


	13. I Won't Make You

_"You know what I hate?" Spencer asked Dr. Foster_

_"What, Spencer?"_

_"The one terrible moment in life that you never see coming. The one you don't even realize is happening until it's too late. It's only after hours of wasted thought and contemplation that you know it happened, but you still can't pinpoint it. The moment when something snaps and it sets into motion a series of events, such as your girlfriend leaving, that eventually lead to your life falling apart. You eventually forget what it's like to be happy and you lose touch with yourself. You find yourself struggling to keep a tight hold of everything you thought you were. You forget what it's like to _feel_," Spencer said evenly._

_"And you feel as if this has happened to you, Ms. Carlin?" Dr. Foster asked._

_"More like I know it happened. I don't exactly feel much nowadays, but I do feel as if I missed the red flags and flares," Spencer replied._

_Dr. Foster removed his glasses and set them on his leg. He clasped his hands together and spoke, "Spencer, I know that you must believe that you'll never get your life back; never feel whole again. But you're twenty-two years young, you have so much life ahead of you. I believe that once you work these issues out, or as you start to become closer to working them out, you'll start seeing life not as a prison, but as a map. Instead of locations, this map is made up of events. The events that have guided you and influenced your decisions._

_Ashley's disappearance affected you severely. But eventually, it's not going to be all you think or dream about. Honestly, this event might possibly always affect you in someway, but gradually, it'll become more tame. These things take time, Spencer, and it's okay to ask for help along the way."_

------

Spencer laid next to a sleeping Ashley in her bed as Something Corporate's _North_ played through the speakers placed around the room. Kyla had gone out for a drive to clear her mind and Glen had elected to sleep in the guest room in case Spencer or Kyla needed him for anything. _He's matured greatly since high school_, Spencer thought as she ran her hand over Ashley's face and through chestnut locks. They were both on their sides, facing each other. Spencer ran her fingers along the faded but pronounced scars on Ashley's wrists, causing the brunette to twitch slightly.

When Spencer looked back to Ashley's face, she noticed Ashley had opened her eyes. "Thanks for letting me sleep," she stated quietly.

"You're welcome," Spencer replied with a small smile. "You needed it."

"Spence...I'm constantly struggling for the right words to say. I want you to know that."

Spencer ran her thumb along Ashley's cheek. "Me too, babe. I understand."

After about a minute, Ashley whispered, "why don't you hate me?"

------

_"What if Ashley were to come back?" Spencer wondered aloud._

_"Well, how would you feel, Spencer?" Dr. Foster asked. "Would you be angry? Elated?"_

_"Both, I suppose...angry at first, elated she had come back to me," Spencer replied._

_"While the possibility of Ashley ever returning is small, I believe it's important we entertain this idea, Spencer. But I need you to understand that this is merely an idea," Dr. Foster stated._

_"I understand, Dr. Foster," Spencer said as she leaned forward, placing her elbows on her knees and joining her hands together. "I suppose I haven't put much thought into what would happen if she actually came back. I've been more focused on the outcome of what she did. My life's fallen apart, it seems, but I don't care about that. That's no one's fault but my own. Mostly I just miss her. I miss her so fucking badly._

_If she returned, yeah, I would be upset, but I think I'd just be too damn happy to care about that. If she were standing in front of me right now, I wouldn't care that she ever left, just that she was there."_

------

Spencer let out a small laugh and said, "I could never hate you, Ashley. You left, but you're here now. We'll never get those years back, but there's so much life ahead of us. As long as you make those years up to me, I couldn't care less about you leaving. I realize now that it's a waste of time being angry at you. I would be wasting time that could be spent just being with you. As of right now, I just want you to be here. I just want to be surrounded by everything _you_."

Ashley smiled and placed her hand on top of the one Spencer rested on her cheek. As a tear fell from her eye, she stated, "I love you, Spencer. God, I fucking love you. Just...just please know how terribly sorry I am for doing this to you."

As _I Won't Make You_ played throughout the room, Spencer simply leaned forward and kissed her.


	14. Down

As soon as Spencer pulled back, she said, "I know this is hard for you, Ash. I know you're not ready to, but eventually you're going to tell me what drove you to it and you know I'm going to listen. I know it must've been terribly hard for you to come back knowing what you left behind. I know I'm not the only one who was hurt in this whole ordeal, and I've spent the last three years wishing for nothing more than you being by my side.

I know that this is going to take time, and I'm willing to make the effort ten times over, because that's how much I love you. I want to learn all of the things I've missed out on. Mostly, I need you. I need for you to be here for me right now."

"I'm not going anywhere, Spence. I don't even want to think about losing you again," Ashley replied quietly. "I don't know how you can still read me so well...I just can't believe I'm laying in this bed, in this house, with you. I'm wondering if I'm still in a coma," the brunette added with a small smile.

"Yeah, maybe I was hit by a car and I'm in a coma, too," Spencer joked. "But I wouldn't have it any other way."

------

_"Sie fängt schließlich an, Niveau vier auf den Rancho Los Freunden Skala, Dr. Pfaff zu erreichen," the young, dark-skinned male nurse spoke._

_"Gut, Arbeit mit ihr, rufe ich den Sprachetherapeuten an und informiere sie," the doctor, a tall man of normal build with graying hair and a matching beard, replied._

_"W-wha...what?" Ashley spoke, severely confused of her surroundings._

_The doctor nodded to the nurse as he left the room and the much younger man came and softly sat on the edge of the brunette's bed. "My name is Jake Ridick, Amanda. I've been assigned as your new nurse. You may not understand this, but you've recently awoken from a medically-induced coma. Dr. Pfaff would personally explain this to you, but he's extremely busy right now."_

_Ashley struggled to speak or move as best she could. She was irritated that half of his words made no sense to her and she was consistently confused by her surroundings._

_"Sit back, relax, Amanda," the man said in his English accent. "Currently, you're at what we call the 'confused-agitated' state. Medically, on the the Rancho Los Amigos scale, you're at four. You're in a heightened state of activity and may be severely confused, disoriented, and unaware of present events. I know this doesn't make much sense, but you were in a pretty bad car accident."_

_------_

"Can I see your scars?" Spencer asked timidly.

"Yeah, of course," Ashley replied. She sat up and parted her hair so the blonde could see the line of raised skin along her scalp. "They had to cut out a piece of my skull to help with the swelling. Thankfully, the hair grew back," the brunette said with a chuckle. "And this," Ashley said as she pushed her shirt sleeve up, "is where they put the steel rod into my arm. Broke the humerus in two places. They put a rod in there and screwed it to the bone. I fractured my clavicle too, I don't think I mentioned that earlier."

Ashley then stood and pulled her pants down a bit to show off the scar on her upper left thigh. Spencer was momentarily distracted by her black boy shorts but as soon as Ashley chuckled, Spencer cast her eyes over to observe the faded pink line. "This," Ashley said, pointing to the long scar, "is where they put the rod along the femur to reconnect the broken pieces. Thank God I didn't shatter my pelvis."

The brunette then pulled her jeans back up and crawled back onto the bed. She laid beside the blonde and held her hands up. "And these wonderful little things," Ashley said, referring to the scars that lined her wrists, "are where they reconstructed my wrists."

"Sounds like fun," Spencer replied sarcastically. 

"Anything but," the brunette replied.

"I wish I could have been there for you."

"As much as I would have loved that, babe," Ashley replied, "I didn't want you to see me like that. I was fucking pathetic."

"It's still not something anyone wants to go through alone," Spencer responded.

-----

_"You broke quite a few things, Ms. Musgrave, and you're still recovering, but we're going to have you up and running in no time," Jake said with a smile. Just then, a woman who appeared in her mid-forties entered the room and Jake moved from his spot on the bed to check Ashley's fluids and stats._

_"Amanda, I'm Dr. Dagmar Flanagan, your speech therapist," the middle-aged woman said with a soft German accent._

_Ashley simply nodded._

_"Your recovery is going to be a long road, Ms. Musgrave," Dr. Flanagan said. "But we have an experienced and knowledgeable staff in this hospital and we're going to take care of you. I have another patient waiting, so I will return later to see where you stand as of right now."_

_Dr. Flanagan then turned to Jake and said, "Herr Ridick, stellen dich sicher, um diese junge Dame sorgfältig zu sprechen, kann ihr Verhalten seltsam und nicht angebracht werden, wie du weißt."_

_"Selbstverständlich Doktor," the nurse replied._

_-----_

"It was just more motivation to get better, baby. The sooner I was completely better, the sooner I got to see you," Ashley stated. "I wasn't completely alone, either."

Spencer's face fell slightly.

"Whoa, no, not like that. I meant my nurse, my very _male _nurse, Jake, got me through it. He was a good friend...nothing more; I told him all about you," Ashley proudly beamed. "He said he'll come to the states one of these days so he can meet the famous Spencer himself."

"Good," Spencer simply replied. "Are you hungry? When was the last time you ate?"

"God, this morning?" Ashley replied. She picked up her phone and noted the time was nearly one in the morning.

"Same for me," Spencer replied.

"Do you want a sandwich? I'll make you your favorite," Ashley said with a large smile. "Fridge still stocked with all your favorites?"

"Yes, and that sounds wonderful, Ash," Spencer said with a matching wide smile.

"Everything where it used to be?" Ashley asked as she ambled out of the bed.

"Of course," Spencer replied.


End file.
